Anything Really

Lap 1

I like the silence. It's soothing almost. Of course when the voices aren't out to get you. But there are sometimes when the silence can be frightening. Take for example this moment. I am sitting by the window of a bus staring out the window at the nothingness that is passing by afraid that she'll say something. More afraid that she'll be talking to me when she decides to speak. I knew it was probably inevitable but I wanted to hold on to the hope that this bus ride will continue stay as silent as it could. So I prayed. I prayed to the ELFs, to the llamas, to the math, to the gods, to the god, and to the silence itself. I said if I had one wish it would be that she wouldn't talk to me.

Lost in the world of things passing by, I quit noticing her. My mind seemed to be focused on how many silver cars had passed or how many women were wearing the color purple (very few) and if some license plates were divisible by sixteen (nineteen if I felt like a daredevil). What if cows ate people in secret? You know what I always wondered? If the homeless people died and if they did, where? Do you want to see brains on the road again that badly? No, that's not the point. Okay then what is? I just wanted to know if they lived like in some secret organization headquarters.... That has to be the dumbest thing you've said this year. It's not stupid; it's something to think about—

"Um excuse me," I heard someone say. Probably another hallucination. "What's your name?" I turn (quite awkwardly like a robot that needs some grease). Her voice was soft and cute. A comforting tone. Not too mature, but like a child's. Like a mature female teenager. Her voice literally made my hands tremble. You know when you're overcome with such admiration and awe that you're just frozen? So much emotion that all you can do is quiver? This is me.

"My name?" I scanned my brain. My name? What was it again? "Yes my name is...Sam." I lied. It was on impulse.

"Sam—" I cut her off.

"It's actually Alex...." I told her. I was praying that she didn't ask me why I lied because to tell the truth I didn't know either. I was praying that this had never happened and I was just asleep and she was still doing whatever she was doing. But I also didn't want to be asleep in front of her.

"Alex," she smiled as she said my name and licked her lips. "Are you okay? You've been muttering to yourself for quite some time now. It sounded like an argument."

I have? I have. Of course I have. Don't take too long to answer. Remember the time moves differently outside your head. Was I to get excited that she was watching me? My heart was racing now. My mouth had opened to say something but I was too busy staring at her. She wasn't the most beautiful as those who made you question your appearance. She was the type to look like the best friend of the main character of some teen movie. The nice one. You're staring. The one who is concerned with people's well being. The type that's been dumped from being the rebound of some popular jock. Had she asked me a question?

"Um...yes....right? Wait, what did she ask me?" Don't talk to me, talk to her. "Yes I do talk...to myself....not all the time though..." only on Saturdays at 8/7c.... I hate myself.

"Uh huh," she tucked her tongue in her cheek and looked at me. Her eyes locked unto mine.

So you couldn't think of anything to say huh? And this is how you express that?

A loud screech was heard and everyone's head darted ahead to see what was happening. I took this opportunity to look back through the window. No matter how much I wanted her to give me that look again or say my name the way she did, I loved my head more. In my head she was merely an idea. Something that I could tweak to my liking until I forget the original. A base for a platform I was going to build on. In real life she could have been something I wouldn't even bat an eye to. Her personality could have not to my liking. And to her, I could be anything. For a moment I'd be almost normal. If anything I would be a weird kid not some depressed vegetable praying for something to happen to the bus so I could die. To her I wouldn't want to not go home in my room where I can get tortured by the voices that comfort me. I'm not some loner talking to myself because I believe that no one should have to listen to my irrelevant existence. You see, as much as I want to know why she didn't ask, as much as I want to know why she bothered to talk to me, why she didn't go on her phone, why she didn't sit beside her friend, did she have a friend to talk to – as much as I want to know why me, I don't care enough. I'm too selfish.

What do think she's thinking of herself?