courage // larry au // COMPLETED

09

Harry didn't want to lose a friend. But he couldn't be more than friends with Louis. He was too scared. He was terrified of the thought. Feeling lost, being let down, getting hurt. He couldn't risk it.

Louis didn't know. He would think he despised him. He would think he only used him and didn't like him anymore. But he had no choice. He couldn't..

Harry avoided him in uni on Monday. He wasn't sure yet what he was going to do, so he didn't want to be forced into interaction - he would crumble and fall. He felt guilty and bad but it was the only way.

"You're going to have to face him eventually." Liam said during lunch, lying on his back in the grass.

"Watch me." Harry mumbled, dropping his fork into the chips on his place. The sauce spilled on his clothes. He let out a frustrated groaned and grabbed a napkin to minimize the damage. He was not in a good mood, and when Harry is not in a good mood he turns into a whole other person, angry and instinctive.

"Alright," Liam snarled. "Have it your way. I am just trying to help."

"You fix your own fucking relationship issues before you hand out advice like candy when you don't even have a clue!" Harry snapped and buried his fingernails into his palms.

Liam stared at him in silence, biting his lips, eyebrows raised.

"I- I'm sorry, Liam. I wasn't trying to- I had no right to say that-" Harry's stomach wrenched. He didn't know what was wrong with him, he really didn't want to hurt him.

"You're tense. I get it." Liam said, but Harry could tell he didn't mean it by the dull tone of his voice.

Harry had a million things he wanted to tell his friend, but at the same time he was at loss of words. "I'm sorry." he repeated.

"Leave it," He got up and put on his jacket. "We don't need to talk about it anymore."

~*~

It really helped that Louis didn't try to call or text. Harry didn't know what to make of his indifference but he needed to sort his own feelings out before he could take on Louis's.

Was he being selfish? Definitely. But for the first time in his life he didn't seem to care enough. He needed.. time.

"What are you packing for?"

Harry had been looking for his suitcase when Liam came home. He had hoped to be done before he could notice because he wasn't sure yet whether he was even going or not. "Don't really know yet." he mumbled, without paying him too much attention.

"Are you leaving?" Liam said, shocked, and grabbed his friend by the shoulders. "You're not seriously just running away now?!"

Harry evaded his burning, brown eyes, looking down at the floor. His face reddened and he felt his disapproval in every limb of his body. "I just need.. time," he whispered pathetically. "I'm not even sure if I'm going to go yet, anyway."

"You think running away from the problem will solve it? Let me give you a hint: No," He shook Harry as if he was trying to make him come back to senses. "As your roommate and your best friend, I am just trying to save you from yourself."

"I appreciate it. But I need to think. Away from you and him and all of this."

"Where are you going, then?"

Harry shrugged. "Nowhere, for now."

"Yeah, I got that! But if you go?" Liam got more annoyed with every word that left his mouth.

"Home. Holmes Chapel, I mean. Back to the roots and all. Pretend to know what I'm doing."

"You really think you should go home, of all things?" When Harry didn't answer and only shuffled with his feet, Liam gave him a look that pierced right through his heart and turned to leave.

"You know what, Harry?" he said quietly. "Fuck you. Life is not all rainbows and butterflies but some of us at least have the guts to move on rather than living in our past."

With that he went out ot the room and left Harry feeling deserted, hated and guilty. He was. He deserved it. Liam was right. He was wrong. Liam was a fighter. Harry was a coward. Yet he didn't feel any different. He felt as confused, lost and scared as he had before.

He found the suitcase behind a bunch of boxes in their storage room. He threw as much stuff as that would fit in there and stored it in the corner of his room. He would give himself until the next weekend. If he couldn't come up with something better until then, he would leave.

Liam was good on his own. He wasn't angry because Harry wanted to leave. He had been trying to protect him.

But shielding him from the problem would do about as much as running away from it would. He had to solve it. And in order to do that, he would have to take things into his own hands.

He let himself fall onto the bed and put his hands over his face, feeling his heart beat crazily fast. It was mental. What had he gotten himself into?! If he hadn't slept with Louis, everything would still be the way it had been before.

From the kitchen he could hear Liam sing along to a song on the radio that Harry had never heard before but to which his friend knew every single line. He needed to let him know what a good friend he was and how much he loved him for that, before he would give up on him and he would lose him as well.

He didn't deserve the way Harry treated him.