I walk through the front door and instantly B line for my room. I'd actually rather die than have my mom ask me how my day was.
I hate my living situation. I live in a disgusting home which makes me seem like white trash. The house is always a freaking mess. It's fucking gross.
I manage to get into my room. I shut the door and pray that no one will bug me. My room is tidy for the most part. My desk is messy with papers and there is always clothes on the floor, but otherwise it's pretty clean.
I sit on my bed and set my glasses on my nightstand. I rub my eyes, hoping that would make the sleepiness go away.
I need to stay awake and figure shit out. Like why Theo came up to me, why he instantly went away and who that blonde girl was.
Sometimes I feel like a major creep because I think about him so much.
I sigh and flop backwards onto my bed. Tomorrow is gonna be a nightmare. I just have that feeling in my chest that everything that can go wrong, will go wrong.
I hate that feeling.
I put my glasses back on and open my laptop. I go on Tumblr.
Its weird because I'm popular on Tumblr. I'm way more open about who I am on there. Its funny how you can be insanely popular online, yet so cripplingly lonely in real life.
I run an account that helps people discover themselves and teacher them self love. Its weird because I dont exactly have the best self image, but I seem to really help people.
I scroll through the usual posts. Nothing really catches my eyes.
*1 new message.*
I open my DMs to see who it was.
"Hey." I read a message from a user called TeddyHate.
"Hi." I quickly reply. I don't know why but that username made me nervous.
~~~~~~~~~~~
I wait hours for a response, but nothing was sent. I've never really waited for a response like this before, but for some reason it is consuming my thoughts.
I shake my head and shut my laptop. I shouldn't care so much. I grab my backpack so I can start on homework.
I start on some math homework, but I cant focus on it. I hear my phone vibrate. I grab it and look at the screen.
It was just a text from Bella. I ignore it. I have more important stuff to do. I started trying to do my homework but she texts me again.
"OMG Evan guess what I heard!"
Knowing Bella its just stupid gossip about someone I dont even know, yet I decide to engage.
"What?"
"That boy you were staring at, at lunch is single." I don't know why she worded it like that. It makes me sound like a huge weirdo.
"Why does this effect me?" I pretend not to care, but my heart is beating out of my chest. I can feel my palms get clamy.
"Evan, you are one bad actor."
"What does that even mean? This is a text conversation, you dork." Sometimes, I really downt get her.
"Whatever. You should go for it."
"Yeah, and out myself to the entire school? No thanks." The only person I've ever come out to was Bella, and that was kind of weird.
It was dark and she was driving me home after Theater at 10 at night. We were sitting in complete silence and I wanted nothing more than to break that silence.
We were at a long red light and knew I had to tell her. She kept trying to set me up with her friends, which felt super weird to me. I didn't want to keep hiding myself from her.
"Bella, I need to tell you something." I had felt my heartbeating out of my chest. My brain felt foggy.
"What is it dude?" She looked at me.
"This is serious." I didn't know why I wanted it to be so formal, but I did. I wanted that kind of dramatic coming out story for some reason.
"Okay." She pulled over. "What is it?"
I took a deep breath and looked at her. "I'm gay."
"Oh." She just looked at me. I felt safe, like I could say anything right now and she wouldn't care. It was strange.
"So, yeah."
"Is that all?"
"What do you mean? Yeah I guess that's all."
"Dude." She smiled at me. "I've kind of always known."
"Wait, how? How did you know?"
"Evan, you're my best friend." She took my hand and squeezed it. "Of course I knew."
"Why were you always trying to set me up with your friends if you knew?"
"Its funny to see you squirm." She laughed her loud laugh and we headed to my house. That was it.
It was so weirdly simple, but it was nice. I'm glad she was the first person I told.
"If I were queer I'd want to shout it from the rooftops. 'I'm a lesbian!' I'd never stop telling people." I laughed when I imagined her doing that. She's the gayest straight person I know.
"Its different when you're actually gay." That seemed a lot meaner than I intended.
"I know. I get that."
"Sorry. I think I'm gonna go to sleep. Goodnight."
"Night Ev."
I set my phone down and start shoving my homework back into my bag. I was too drained to do it now.
Besides, I dont know if I could focus on it even if I wanted to. I shut off my bedside lamp and I lay down.
I stare at my ceiling. I think of Theo. I think of the way he smiles when someone tells him a joke. I think of the way his nose so adorably perks up at the end.
I start to feel sleepy. I can't help but keep thinking about him.
Theodore Hatifleid is the most perfect boy ever.
