What Cancer does to family

Cancer Sucks

        Hi I'm Helena this really is't a story. I jsut want to talk about what it's like being a sibling to someone with Leukemia. Fisrt off it sucks for everyone.

        My oldest brother has downsydrome and Acute Lymphatic Leukemia there has only been around 50 cases before for people with downs. I hate that this happened to him because he doesn't deserve this no one does. But thats not why I want to write. I want to write about what happens to me from the sibling point of veiw.

        I'm alone a lot because he's been in the hospital more than being at home since finding out. I don't have a car so I can't really go places to be with people. I don't really have money either so it's not like I can actully go anywhere really. But this also means I run out of food and have no means of getting any. I could ask someone but I feel like I'm bothering them about it.

         If I make a comment about not being able to do anything or need anyhting I get grief over it. I am put on the back burner while everyone caters to Jake. I have another brother but I don't really get to see him. He's in school a living over an hour away during the week and when he comes home he stays with our grandma. I can't just go somewhere I have a dog that I just can't leave for long periods of time she's still a puppy. 

        I have my best friend come over but she can't always be here. I can go to her house and take my dog but I jsut don't want to go I want to be home and I don't know why. 

        I feel alone I'm rarely ever happy anymore. I talk to myself a lot more then what I did before. I feel like I could disapper and no one would notice unless they needed me to do something. I feel hopeless becuse I can't do much. I'm use to always being able to do something for someone. I helped my mom raise Jake and now she is the one consently taking care of him. I feel lost and confused. Most of the time I don't feel anyrthing I'm just numb while hearing about yet another bad day for him while everyone cries I just watch because I have to be the strong one that people talk to. I can't cry because I have to be the one to get others to stop and calm down. When I do cry I'm alone with no one to talk to and make me feel better. I have myself to talk to and I hate it.

        I've never had anyone to lean on with my problems. I have my best friend Sam but I still can't make myself fully say everything I want to. At times I jsut want to yell, scream and cry just becuse it might make me feel better. I don't know what to do with myself. I can't even think straight everything is so mixed together I can't figure out anything.

         I should be worrying about filling out scholarships. Getting a job starting a my life as an adault being 18 years old waking up saying I will never drink again because of a hangover. But I'm waiting for phone calls saying that Jake is fine but there will always be that possiblity that I get the call saying that he doesn't have to fight anymore. Which seems very real right now because at times it seems like he just want's to give up.