ℬlood ℛuns ℬlack

❃𝓒𝓱𝓪𝓹𝓽𝓮𝓻 𝓣𝔀𝓸❃

A player, that's all he was.

but I was naive, I thought we could be special that we could have love, that I could finally have happiness. but I will never be happy, I will never find love or true happiness.

these thoughts are what plague my mind every time I close my eyes, I can't sleep I have permanent dark circles under my eyes. But its not just my thoughts that are keeping me awake though, its the terrors that lurk in my sleep, they crawl there way out every time I close my eyes with the sweet promise of a peaceful sleep, I wake up screaming from the pictures that flash before my eyes, the gruesome images of torture and death, the bodies that scatter the ground, and they aren't always human.

I don't understand whats happening to me. I feel the tears slowly dripping down the sides of my face as I lay in my bed staring at my ceiling. I try to be strong, but there is only so much I can take before I break. I don't understand the images I see, I don't know what they mean or if they mean anything at all.

sighing loudly I wipe my tears and roll onto my side so that I can try and sleep, my only thought while drifting into the deep black oblivion is, I hope that I can finally get some rest.

04:00 AM

I sigh loudly looking at my alarm clock, trying to keep my mind from the dreams that woke me, all I wanted to do was sleep, but the gruesome and disturbing pictures are always there destroying any thought of a good nights rest. 

There is no way that I am getting back to sleep now, my mind is awake now so I might as well get up, even if it is three hours earlier than normal.  groaning I sit up and stretch my arms over my head to try and relieve my stiff muscles, I swing my legs over the side of my bed letting my blankets drop off of my body and shiver, immediately missing the warm embrace of my bed.

stepping lightly hoping not to wake my parents, I make my way to the door of my bedroom,

heading down the hall, my bare feet making very faint slapping sounds against the cold wooden floor, I am soon standing outside the bathroom, pushing the pearl white door open, I step inside shivering from the cold. After locking the door I move to the far right corner of the room and set the tub up to fill. 

after turning on the small heater i start undressing myself, flicking the thin straps of my night gown from my shoulders and letting the cool thin fabric slither from my body and exposing my sensitive skin to the harshly cold room, stepping over the cream coloured gown I reached over the bath tub to turn off the taps letting the warm steam caress my body as I slowly lower myself into the hot water, and leaning my head against the back of the tub letting my blood red hair pool around my shoulders and waist, contrasting against my naked pale skin.

I stayed in the tub till the water went cold and I was shivering, I didn't want to get up and face the world again, but I would rather go to school than be stuck inside my mind where my nightmares can haunt me. groaning in frustration I use the sides of the tub to pull myself up, shivering as the icy beads of water run off of me and the slight breeze caresses my exposed body causing goosebumps to rise on my pale flesh. 

I quickly snatch up a towel from the rack, sliding it over my damp skin. when I am fully dry I brush my waist length hair, letting my flaming red locks glide through the dark teeth of my comb then swiftly pulling it back into a haphazard ponytail at the back of my head, taking a few steps forward I reach the mirror, and wipe the condensation off the glass surface with my towel,

I stare into the mirror, for what reason? I don't know, yet I still stare, I stare into cold blue eyes and a lifeless face that looks hard as stone. I see someone who was once happy, once a joyful child without a care in the world, who grew up to fast, and ended up building walls to keep anyone who tried to come near her away, 

Someone who has lost all their hope.

07:26 AM

I gripped the rim of the porcelain sink and tried to steady my trembling hands. 

"one last time" I whisper to myself.

One. Last. Time.

Reaching a shaking hand out I grab one of my father's disposable shaving razors, i stand and stare at it for a moment before gripping the handle and twisting the handle enough to break it, then carefully sliding the three flimsy blades out, unable to bear the overwhelming thoughts circling in my head any longer.  

I just sit here, on the cold tile floor, I should get up, I need to start walking to school soon. but I cant, I can't bring myself to pick myself up and get dressed, I just want to sit here and bleed out, slowly and painfully. 

And as I slowly fall into an agonising rest in a pool of blood on the now cold floor in the now cold room, all I can think is, please let this be the last time I close my eyes.