time to think

1

My eyes stay open as I lay on my side looking into the darkness. Its 11:47. Again I doubt I will sleep tonight. My insomnia had been playing up again and when you have seen the shit I have seen you dont whant time to think about it.

I close my eyes And role over onto my other side to try sleep on that side. No better I just begin to remember.

The sound of the heart monitor fadeing. Her grip on my hand loosaning as she looks at the ceiling and takes her final breath.

At this point I was crying and. Shakeing. I had curled up into a ball under the covers. My life wasnt that bad there wasn't anything to be upset about really. I had no right to cry.

My brother tryed to kill himself by over doseing but he lived. My eldest sister tryed to hang herself but is still alive my other sister is fine my mum is dead and my dad is not the best but is OK. What is there to complain about.

I have the perfect life.

Life
Life

What am I doing with my life I thought. I am crying over a woman who is dead. That won't do me any good I thought to myself. It won't bring her back.

I began to cry more it had been about 4 years since she died yet the realisaishon that she would never come back and the realisaishon that I will never see her again was only settling in now.

But I was soon snapped out of my thoughts as my phone screen lit up. I grabbed my phone to see I had a fue messages from an a random number I opened them and read them.

Hey how are you bitch

Slut

Prostatute

Whore

Bastered

Cunt.

Thy continued like that I tryed to stay possative by telling my self it wasn't true then I got another one.

Your so stupid just kill yourself no one will miss you anyway you bitch. Just go kill yourself your friends dont care about you and your not worth life go die in a hole slut

I looked down at my screen. All the voices in my head where argueing going back and forth.

There right kill yourself

Dont do it

Do it

Dont do it

Do it

Your friends will miss you

Your friends dont care.

I decided to split it Evan and grab a razor. I traced along my arm slowly the pain didn't bother me to much it was the fact that my friends where always so dissapointed in me that got to me .

I cleaned my new cuts and lay down on my bed again. Faceing the wall. I just stayed there thinking about how my friends would only hate me if they found out and that I wasn't worth life. I wouldn't tell them of course. I would hide it. They would find out in the end but until that day I will wake up get ready go to school and smile.

I told myself that if they cared they would see it in my dull eyes. In my slopy movements. In my fake smile. In my long sleeves. In my insistence on whereing a PE jumper. In my lack of trust. Lack of faith. Lack of will to go on. My attitude and my fake laugh. If they where my real friends they would notice but they didn't.

Ether I'm a good actor or the voices are right maybe they dont care I thought as I gripped my arm tight.

"No one can save me from the demonds that curse me. No one can save me from the darkness that consumed me. No one can save me from my depression"

I mumble to myself over and over.