MY Fight Against Depression

Why am I Depressed? READ ON TO FIND OUT DUN DUN DUNNN

Ok well, below is a letter I wrote a while ago when I was feeling down and depressed. And so, I'm deciding to share that now...

"Everybody questions, "Why are you so depressed? Just cheer up. Others have it worse". 1.) Uh, there ain't a law against being depressed. Not that I want to be depressed. It's an actual disorder. Depression: "A mental health disorder characterized by persistently depressed mood or loss of interest in activities, causing significant impairment in daily life". I can't help it, and neither can the millions of other people whom are suffering from this disorder 2.) "Cheer up"? You can't just magically snap your fingers and wish for money and automatically receive it. You have to endure hard work to earn money. Just like depression, you have to work hard to climb over the mountain of pain and receive your reward. But even then it still lingers around 3.) Yes, I know some African kids are dying from starvation and elephants are being hunted down for their horns, but despite this, I still feel pain. I suffer from a disorder that constantly feel down and depressed, hence the name. Anywaysss, y'all are probably wondering why I'm so depresso. So, I'll give you my major reason (although there's MANY many more I'll get into detail later)

My battle with depression, in a short summary; When I was in fifth grade I met this wonderful guy. I met him online on a website called animal jam. His role play nickname was "Shade". And he's from Canada (and Canadian guys are always hawt). But anyways, he was probably my best friend. And then in a cliche way I started developing feelings for him in seventh grade. We even ended up dating. Although little did I know I hooked myself a sneaky catfish. This Shade whom I knew and loved ended up being a girl who not only lied about her gender (and no she isn't trans) but everything about her in general. She was as fake as the creepy Barbie doll I found in my basement. I immediately broke up with her. And somehow she perceived the break up to be over dramatic? She decided if we couldn't be happy together I shouldn't be happy. And that started the streak of hate mail. It was relentless hatred constantly being sent my way. "I hope you choke on your dads cock", "you evil bitch whore", and even on Christmas I received, "I hope you burn in hell for Christmas". Merry Christmas, eh? Definitely wouldn't wanna find that under the tree. I eventually blocked her. Although that was just the beginning. During the time I dated that "Shade" I met another guy, he also went my "Shade". How original, ik. Let's call him Steeve. Eventually I developed feelings for Steeve. He helped me through the hate mail. At one point I wanted to hang myself...and he talked me out of it. Steeve was one of my best friends. And I've known him since seventh grade. Although apparently that disaster with the first Shade didn't send a clear message that catfishing is a big no no in my book. Throughout knowing Steeve he led me on relentless times, and I was just over here drooling over him, like a dog with a bone. Ik. I'm ashamed. Anyways, I did end up dating Steeve but I broke it off and left animal jam because he was making my depression worse by stressing me out with relationship stuff. Well, I came back a few months later. Beginning of eight grade. I was instantly friends with him once again (*sigh* bad. I'm aware). And my feelings came flowing back. We then started playing worlize with my other best friend, whom I'll call Emily for now. Emily, Steeve, and I were like three peas in a pod. Although, turns out Steeve was a rotten pea. Over time he began to lie about random crap that makes you think, "why the hell would you lie about that". And of course naive little me believed every little detail. According to Steeve he was raped, he constantly being sick, his friend dying in a car accident with her mom, his other friend die, he got his girlfriend pregnant, he had six siblings whom he pretended to be, and you wanna know the best part? Despite all the small lies adding up to this, he decided to push it further. On the cliff of depression he kept pushing me closer the edge, and this last part pushed me off the edge. Although my friend thankfully caught me (*relief sigh). He decided on my mother's birthday after ball practice, he'd have his so called "sister" *cough* (WHO WAS ACTUALLY "HIM" PRETENDING TO BE HER) him claim he died. I got home from softball excited and happy, I drew my mother stitch with the quote "Ohana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind". And of course I get the news as I'm getting out of the car, "it's Bri, Steeve died. In a car crash. A semi slammed into the side of his car and his neck snapped". I got the bloodied details about how his mangled body and brains were all over the pavement..I completely lost it. I couldn't seek comfort with my family, due to it being an online friend whom my family wouldn't approve of. I couldn't stand. My knees gave out. And I sobbed. For hours. I was in love with Steeve and he was my best friend, and the next second he was gone. I went to my room and spent the night sobbing alone. My sister questioned, "what is wrong with you" and it just hurt. I couldn't look my mother in the face to give her the gift I spent hours on. I skipped dinner and I stayed up all night crying. The next day at school I came in the pj's I wore to bed with unbrushed hair and puffy red eyes with bags under them. It was completely embarrassed but too hurt to care. My friends questioned what was wrong. And all I could do is sob and say, "he's dead". And they tried consoling me but none of them understood the pain...the following weeks in class I'd break down randomly and eventually was labeled the "nut job". Nobody understood. I started cutting. Some people ask why I cut, and it's as simple as this. The physical pain partially masked the emotional time for a few seconds. So the more I cut, the less emotional broke I felt. A tooth for a tooth. After those few weeks I decided to look up Steeve on an online obituary due to one of my other online friends becoming suspicious of the whole event. Turns out he wasn't on there. I questioned "Bri" who now had Steve's phone. She came up with a pitiful excuse, "Uh well, I didn't want you to have hope, but Steeve is missing and he's not coming back" and I'm like, "then why the fuck did you describe his blood and guts everywhere over the damn crime scene" and i asked why wasn't a missing persons alert sent out (which could be a bunch of bs XD), and she said, "OH! Good news! We found Steeve! He's no longer missing false alarm!" And I'm like, "Woah there, you did not just make that whole story up". And of course after continuously bantering her with questions, she finally came out. Steeve was indeed a female. And no. Not trans. This "Steeve" stole pictures from her brother, her only sibling, and pretended to be him. I couldn't forgive this. Especially due to being catfished the last time, and he witnessed it. I stopped messaging her for a year, and after that year she began texting me once again. I felt bad for completely turning her away. I thought I'd be the bigger person and give her another chance. Although, I was reminded once again why I left her. She ended up lying once again about something as simple as vomiting, even though she just stubbed her toe. I eventually gave her a piece of my mind. "Steeve" did not respond well to me calling her out. I was at my cousin's sweet 16 when this happened...Her back talk consisted of, "fuck you", "I don't care about you", "I don't need you", "Fuck your life", "Attention whore", "go fuck your dad", "fuck your sister", "Fucking hate you. I hate you! I hate you I hate you I hate you!", "I wish you were aborted. It would've caused the world to be a better place", "You're abused by your family. They don't love you. They love your sister more", "If you kill yourself, good riddance. The world doesn't need a lowlife failure like you", "go fuck a cactus in you ass", "hope you life is terrible", and so on...It continued for hours..I attempted being the bigger person by saying, "I understand how you feel. I respect your opinion. Have a GOOD life", and he responded by saying he hopes the guy I love currently rapes me. So I can feel how my "innocence is broken in a single instant". I spent the night under a pool table alone, crying. This was the last straw. I've never felt so suicidal. I wanted to take a knife and stab myself. I could just imagine it. Letting "Steeve" live with the fact she indeed is a murderer of some sort. The crying wouldn't end. I knew if I didn't realease this tension I'd probably kill myself by morning. I decided to reveal the truth th my best friend from school. She knows nothing about my online life, but she was completely understanding and managed to help me calm down. This was last night. I survived."

Please no hate!! It took a lot to get the guts to post this...I know there's so many bad things going on in this world, worse than this, I know. but pain is pain. And I want to voice what happened to me incase this happens to anyone in the future :( THANKS Y'ALL FOR READING

P.S I WILL BE CONTINUING THIS "STORY." Whether it be advice on how to handle depression or more of my problems :D PEACE OUT MUGGLES