sometimes i can't tell if i'm really sad that it makes me feel like i'm happy or if i'm really happy that it makes me feel sad. not in a bad way. i'm enjoying it. just me and my thoughts sat in my palace, on my throne. i'm no king but that's how it makes me feel. so happy to the point i forget my age, i feel real but fake at the same time and it's weird. a good weird. a weird that i can step back and look at myself. thoughts run through my head that never have before and i like it. think outside the box until you become a circle, ive done it. maybe i won't be an inspiration to others, but an inspiration to myself and that's important. for once in my life i don't want to die, i want to live and thrive and sit in fields with good people at stupid times. i have had the worst time of my life and i'm thankful for that, i know who wants me and where i stand. i'm in heaven and it's calm, it's good up here. i'm not religious but i've seen god and he told me to stay, he means no harm. and i'm here, living, thriving. pushing my colours onto others. colours i've never seen before, beautiful colours. i'll show you the world, continents you've never seen before just let me. let me be free and i'll make it worth it. making bad decisions and creating paths for the youth. who can tell you what to do? no one. because you are you and that's it. there's nothing more to life that pure contentment. i'm here to tell you, no love or drug or music can make you as happy as you can. coming from walking hell this is it. don't let your fears hold you back because that means you aren't being yourself. tell yourself you're sad and that's what you are but you aren't. you are so much more and i believe that. i love bad decisions and new colours and that's what i'm known for. i'm not depression or anger or fear, im tyde. tyde grey laybourn. every vowel and consonant that falls to make my name was perfectly placed by me. the words i speak aren't to make people happy. it's to show the feelings i've been so scared to show, the colours i've been scared to paint. but it's a canvas now and it's not smudged with greys and blacks. it's the most beautiful blue. that's it, a soft blue. a confusing one that you can't tell if it makes you happy and calm or sad. that's me. a beautiful blue and a bright canvas that you stare at willingly in a gallery. you can't tell me different because that's how i feel and i'm proud. don't apologise because i don't need it. i'm sad and i'm happy about it. this is who i am now and i accept it. i want you to think of my name and think of the waves crashing against dark rocks and the sun beaming down making an illusion of self love. not so much a bad illusion but a hopeful one. one that makes you take a breath and smile. one that makes you wake in the morning and know you're safe. the hopefulness that everyone needs. that's who i am. that's who i'll always be. tyde grey laybourn
