Resilient

three.

"What do you mean when you say 'it's time'?" she replies with a hint of scepticism in her voice.

"It means exactly what you think it might. I've gotten to a point in my life that I can't keep my problems to myself anymore. It's time for me to get the help I need."

I can't tell which one of us is studying the other more intently. Analyzing others is not something I do for fun, it is a skill I've acquired out of necessity. I used to be a trusting person. I used to want to see the good in everyone, even if it meant overlooking their faults or going against my better judgement. I used to be like that back when I was young and naive, back when my biggest worry in the world was what I was going to have dinner or what to wear to class that day. After him, I had to reevaluate the way I viewed people. I needed to do a better job of analyzing new people in my life. I needed to trust less and put up walls in order to survive. So as much as she's trying to figure me out, I'm doing the same. She has certainly met her match in that respect.

"You indicated on your form that you believe you have depression, anxiety, and PTSD, but you've never been formally diagnosed, is that correct?"

"Yes."

"Can I ask you what event you believe is the main trigger for your PTSD?"

I understood why she asked the question, but I didn't think I could give her the answer. I've spent too many years building up walls, that I don't think it's possible for me to knock them all down, just like that. Just showing up here in the first place is a huge leap for me.

"Respectfully, I'm going to have to say no. With all due respect, I've just met you. It is incredibly hard for me to trust other people and I've known you for all of five minutes."

I could see her pen whizzing across the paper, but I continued on.

Deep breaths, Ryan. Deep breaths.

"Just for me to come here in the first place was emotionally and physically draining. I know my limits, and if I continue to push myself right now, I'll only hurt myself more in the long run. I'm sorry if that isn't what you want from me, but I'm not going to cause myself unnecessary stress."

Body language. That's another skill I've learned over the years. People might lie, but their bodies never do. Elaine's legs were crossed which indicated that she was closed off from the conversation, but her crystal blue eyes never left mine which told me that she was trying her best to figure me out. After a few seconds, she broke the silence.

"That's excellent, Ryan."

"Wait, what?"

I certainly was not expecting that answer. I was expecting her to express disappointment or disapproval, not admiration.

"What you just did indicates to me that you are ready to move forward. You have recognized that you have limits which means you acknowledge the problem. Obviously, I would eventually like an answer to my question, but I am happy that you know your limits."

"Wow. And here I was expecting that you would be frustrated with me" I say with the same dry chuckle in my throat.

"Not at all, Ryan. All patients move forward at their own pace. It might take a little bit longer for you to let me in and that's fine. Forcing you to do something you're not comfortable with wouldn't be productive in the slightest."

"I suppose that makes sense."

"Listen, our 15 minute consultation time is over. I'd love to see you for a full session and keep moving forward with you."

She slid her business card across the coffee table in my direction.

"If you'd like to set up an appointment, just call the number on there. We don't need to do anything you're uncomfortable with; we would move at a pace that works for you."