The Phantom Heartbeat

Chapter 12: History repeats itself

Days seemed to pass me by at an incredibly slow speed. I stood still as the Earth kept turning and time crept forward, second by second: eventless, boring, bland days got stacked upon each other. The concert with Violet had temporarily pulled me from the deep valley I was traversing, but I quickly tumbled back down again. I got up, passed the day, and went to bed: I felt like a machine.

I almost fell from the couch as the sudden buzzing of my phone startled me. Slowly, I conjured the device up from my pocket. Could it be Diana. . . ?

I sighed, as my heartbeat slowly calmed down. It was Violet.

''Yes, hello?'' She answered with a voice as cheerful as ever. ''Hey! I posted lots of pictures from last weekend on my Instagram, from the concert. Did you see them yet? I tagged you, but you haven't liked or commented yet, so I wondered. . .'' ''Oh, no, I haven't seen them yet, I'm sorry. You know, I'm still kinda down because of everything that happened. I'll check the pictures out late-'', I tried to assure her, but she interrupted me.

''Please don't tell me you're depressed'', she said calmly, but I could hear the worrying undertone in her voice.

''Who, me? Well, ''depressed'' is maybe an exaggeration, but I mean. . . you know, uhm. . .'' I could hear her sighing as I struggled to find the words. ''This won't do. I'm coming over.'' I was startled for the second time that day.

''What? Come over? But what - I mean -'' I stuttered, but she cut me short again. ''Hush. I won't take ''no'' for an answer. I'm coming over and I'm gonna turn your frown upside down!'' she exclaimed merrily. I couldn't help but smile.

''Alright then. I just can't seem to refuse you for some reason.'' She laughed triumphantly. ''Of course you can't. But let's be fair: who can?'' she said confidently. I could just imagine her throwing back her blonde, curled hair as she said that.

Violet jumped out of the bus on a pleasant Saturday afternoon, shouting a ''thank you'' to the driver, as she brightened up upon seeing me wait for her. She narrowed her eyes with a playful smile. ''Well well, I thought real gentlemen went extinct a long time ago!'' she said, holding her nose up in the air, her arms crossed.

I paused, studying her act: but then I smiled and approached her with an exaggerated bow. ''I could never let a graceful lady like yourself undertake the journey to my keep on her own!'' I answered her, playing along.

She peeked at me with one eye. ''Very well. I'll allow you to escort me to your estate'', she said with a snobbish air, holding out her hand. I kissed it and offered my elbow. We stood still, her clinging onto me, and looked at each other. Then, we burst out laughing.

Passing countless mail boxes: waiting for the elevator. Doors opening: two cheerful youths entering. It was as if finally everything had fallen into place. I had my sweet love back, I was able to take in and laugh with Violet: just like the mysterious man had promised.

''Oh man, this brings back memories!'' she squealed, as we stood in front of my door. As I took my keys and turned the lock, I tried not to look at her. ''Sure does'', I confirmed, as I swung open the door. She skipped inside, turning around on her toes, her blonde hair fluttering all around her merry face. She stood still and looked at me as I closed the door again.

''Your room has changed as much as you have'', she teased me, as I looked at her with a pokerface. ''I'm sorry I'm not the most exciting person in the world'', I said apologetically. She shook her head, hands on her back. ''Don't say that. I like you the way you are.''

Flutters that shouldn't be in my stomach swirled around like a vortex.

We sat down on the couch, drank some soda and chatted away. How did school go in these past 5 years? Do you still play the violin? Did you travel to Rome after all? And as we talked on and the conversation shifted towards more personal things, I realized I didn't really knew anything about Violet. This was the first time we actually talked one on one like this: back then, I was always with Diana. We had never chilled together - except, well, when Diana and I took that break.

''But hey, tell me. . . how are things between you and sis?'' she confronted me outright. ''Because I have this gut feeling that not everything is how it's supposed to be.'' I felt that unnerving shadow creep up on me again, as the doubts I'd manage to lock away broke free.

Should I tell her? Should I just talk about it with someone - with her? I looked into her caring green eyes. She knew her sister. She might be able to give sound advice. ''Not really the way I imagined it'', I confessed.

I proceeded to tell her everything. How I felt as if she was someone different - how I wasn't sure her affection was real, and all the other things that had been weighing down heavily on me. She listened, nodded every now and then and sometimes asked me a question. And as I talked to Violet more, I felt myself getting lighter. I felt the shadow dissolve, at least for now.

She stared at the floor and remained silent for some time. Just as I wanted to ask her if there was something wrong, she started talking, slowly.

''I know where you're coming from'', she said, gradually looking at me. ''That doubt whether or not someone cares about you, loves you.''

She shifted a bit closer.

''That feeling -'', she continued, looking into my brown eyes with her green ones, ''- that feeling that how something used to be is just so engraved in your brain, you can't let it go, no matter how hard you try and you can't adapt to a new reality'', she carried on, as her voice lowered: as her leg now touched mine.

''That feeling that you miss something, and you'd do anything, no matter how low it may seem, to get it back'', she now whispered.

I swallowed, looking at her soft lips, her intense, burning stare.

It was just like back then.