Don't Go In Alone

MONDAY DECEMBER 16

The ice outside has disappeared and in its place is snow. Not a lot, but enough to dust everything in white and make it sting your eyes when the sun comes out in the afternoon. School is hell because of it. The hallways are slippery and everything is wet. My friends and I stay inside during lunch, cooped up in one of the classrooms with a handful of other people.

Casey talks almost nonstop about the play. It's opening night tonight. Kris and I are planning on going, have already bought our tickets. We listen to Casey go on and on about it until the bell rings and we have to go our separate ways for class.

I nearly fall asleep a couple of times throughout the day. I couldn't go back to sleep for the life of me last night. Zach kept squirming in his sleep. He stabbed his finger against my throat at one point and I might actually have a tiny bruise from it. But mostly, it was the possible not-dream with Carson that kept me up.

No matter how long I think about it, I can't figure out if I was dreaming him being there too or if he really was. I can't figure out which option I'm wanting to be true more. The thought of the intensity of the kiss brings a flush to my cheeks that I wish wouldn't be there because more than once, someone asks if I'm okay in class.

If it wasn't a dream, should I be mad at him for kissing me? I mean, I obviously wasn't quite awake at the time. Does it count as consensual contact if I initiated it while in a sleepwalking haze?

I feel like I should be mad about it. Instead, I have this fluttery feeling in my chest and a deep rooted need to maybe try it again and see if he does kiss like that in my waking world. I feel a little silly, like some hormone crazed adolescent.

I should be mad if it turns out he did kiss me.

If I see him anytime soon, I'll have to think of a way to bring it up and see if he admits to it being real or not.

~~~

"God, it's freezing out here." Kris rubs at her arms, at the thin long sleeve she's wearing.

"I told you, you should have worn a coat."

"Yeah, but I figured we'd be inside and it would be warm. I didn't even think about the having to stand in line outside for half an hour part."

I untwist my scarf from around my neck and hand it to her. "Here. It's better than nothing."

"Ah, Molly, so chivalrous." She wraps the scarf around her neck and buries her face up to her nose in it. "Be careful, you'll make me swoon."

I laugh, knock my shoulder against hers and take a step forward as the line moves. "You're a dork."

She lifts her head and grins at me, her cheeks and nose pink from the cold. It actually looks good on her. Makes her look less like a murderous pixie and more like a cute little girl. I tuck my fingers into my pockets and look around at all the people mingling around the line. Who would have thought so many people would show up for a high school play?

We near the front of the line after about ten more minutes. It really is freezing out here. My face is numb and I have to actively stop myself from licking at my lips because if I do, they'll just end up cracking. Kris bounces up and down on her toes next to me, her arms crossed tightly over her chest. She looks at me and smiles, but her teeth clatter a little so she shuts her mouth and hides it in the scarf again.

I glance towards the edge of the building, where the light starts to fade and blend with the darkness. There's someone standing there. They're facing this way, I think. They must be, because after a few seconds of me staring at them, they turn away and take a step into the shadows.