50 Funny Quotes and Sayings

1.This calls for a particularly subtle blend of psychology and extreme violence. Vivian, "The Young Ones"

2.A penny saved is a really crappy savings plan.

3.Violence; if it's not solving all your problems you're simply not using enough of it.

4.Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else.

5.Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower.

6.Here I sit broken-hearted,tried to crap but only farted.Later on I took a chance, tried to fart and shat in my pants! Restroom Graffiti

7.Time's fun when you're having flies. Kermit the Frog

8.Of course you found it in the last place you looked. If you hadn't found it you'd still be looking.

9.Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

10.I won't have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.

11.He who laughs last thinks slowest.

12.It's me and you against the world. So when do we attack? Graffiti

13.Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried taking candy from a baby. Robin Hood

14.Duck tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together. A Star wars fan

15.I'm not suffering from insanity, I'm enjoying every minute of it. Friends

16.Weird people are like chocolate cake... some people can't handle the richness. Kiki Bernat

17.If life's not a game, then how come there are so many players?

18.Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most. Ozzy Ozbourne

19.There are three types of people in this world: those who can count and those who can't.

20.Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.

21.If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

22.You laugh at me because I'm different. I laugh because you are all the same! Daniel Knode

23.I've had a wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. Groucho Marx

24.I have great faith in fools; self-confidence my friends call it. Edgar Allan Poe

25.There's too much blood in my caffeine system.

26.The funny thing about Common sense is that it's not very common.

27.Sure, there's no "I" in team, but there is a "M" and an "E".

28.When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car. Will Rogers

29.The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

30.If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button. Sam Levenson

31.I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.

32.A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail. A best friend is the one sitting next to you saying ‘boy was that fun.' The Maugles

33.Life is hard; it's harder if you're stupid. John Wayne

34.I stopped fighting my inner demons, were on the same side now.

35.You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

36.If actions speak louder than words; why is the pen mightier than the sword?

37.Boyfriends are like sticky tape- once you get one you can’t seem to shake them off!!

38.If you can't fix it with duck tape you have'nt used enough.

39.I didn't lose my mind, I sold it on ebay.

40.Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

41.Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

42.Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years.

43.People say you can't live without love...I think oxygen is more important.

44.What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

45.The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

46.Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

47.If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then use the profits to buy an assault rifle. See if life makes the same mistake twice.

48.Never do anything that you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics.

49.I put the pro in procrastination.

50.I know it all; I just can’t remember it simultaneously