Rockstar's Heart

Eastern Tour

"Marco, man. You're amazing! You killed it."

Marco and his three bandmates all boarded onto their tourbus. Each of the boys congratulated Marco on the 'sick' vocalization and engagement. He always had a way with the crowd.

"I just can't believe it." The drummer flopped down on the leather couch. "One show down, 9 more to go."

The band had just begun their Mini-Tour across Europe. This was a tour that Marco had been looking forward to for months. The 6th show took place in Italy, where he was originally from. He arranged with the manager to have a few hours off in Italy to get together with family. It was going to be the first time he had seen his grandparents since he was a little boy.

Though the band had just finished an amazing show in Germany, Marco's mood didn't show it. And his mates were beginning to notice.

"Marc? You okay?" Tyler, the lead guitarist said and looked at him with concern. Marcos was slouched over on the band's couch cupping his face in his hands. He didn't reply for a second.

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. I'm going to lay down." He stood up from the couch and walked past the boys through a doorway covered by a curtain.

"Marco!" Tyler called out.

"Let him go man. Probably going through one of his things." Danny put a hand on Tyler's shoulder and stopped him from following after Marco. Danny was the drummer, and the guardian of the group. He was a few years older than the rest of the boys.

The band was like family by now. They'd been making music together and touring since some of them were in high school. The youngest member, Eli, back up guitar, had just graduated only a year ago. They knew everything about each other. So they weren't unfamiliar with this odd behavior of Marco's.

Sometimes Marco found himself in a dark place. He felt useless, and all alone. Many people would say he had no reason to feel this way because he was famous, and rich, and loves by millions of fans. And for those things, he was grateful, but he couldn't help but feel this low, ugly feeling sometimes. 

____ Marco's Point Of View ____

All I wanted was to be alone. I loved my band, they were my family, but all I wanted was to be alone. It is easier to cut yourself off from the rest of the world than it is to explain what's bothering you. Because no one truly understands depression in the same way, and often times i've found that I don't even know what's bothering me. Or maybe there's nothing at all. To which i've been told 'you're sad for no reason'.

Those words are like handing a gun to someone who is suicidal. They're the fuel to my fire. It is unfair and deliberately taunting to tell someone that what they're feeling is wrong. And i've been made to feel guilty because of that one sentence alone. It's easier to just keep your mouth shut and manage it on your own because anyone else will downplay on your feelings or tell you they're invalid.

The last thing a depressed person needs is anybody's two cents.

I was diagnosed with this when I was only 12 years old. I was about to go from pre-teen to real, full fledged teenager. And everything seemed like it was going just fine. I had so many friends, a happy home, equipment I needed to pursue music, I was content in every thing. But then, something changed. Well actually, nothing did! Everything was exactly how it was before. So where did this come from?

Depression is defined as feelings of severe despondency and dejection, often stemming from self-doubt. But if I could teach the world one thing about it, it would be that it isn't an emotion. And it isn't the same as sadness. And  we're tired of being told to just 'sleep it off' or 'try to be happy' because the truth is, most of the time I am happy and it fixes nothing. And that 'maybe if you smiled a little more', in my experience has healed no amount of pain. And because i've been there so many times, I know it never will.