Counselling

Chapter 4

Peter’s POV

I’ve been standing outside of our dingy three bedroom flat for about fifteen minutes staring at the tarnished gold number five on the door desperately trying to find a way to put together words that will soften the blow of what I have to do. I can’t seem to find out how to walk in to there and tell the four most important people to me that they are now orphans, to tell them that the light that was our mum has gone out. Selfishly I wish that mum had died on Cadences or Tamara’s watch, so they could be the one to tell the rest of us. Tears slide down my face again as I recall how I wasn’t even there when she had died, I’d gone to get a cup of coffee. When I came back the doctors were in her room surrounding her in a vain attempt to resuscitate her. I don’t remember much, just frenzied movements and a lot of yelling then they were just pulling the sheet over her face, one of the nurses walking up to me and her mouth moving. All I heard was ringing, all I felt was the lump in my throat and the numbness surrounding me, that was when I walked.

And here I am, in front of the door, the girl pushed from my mind, only cliché phrases running around my head. I sigh; I’m just going to have to improvise. I push open the door to walk in and see all of them squished together on the raggedy sofa.  Tamara is closest to me holding a sleeping Angela in her arms, she hasn’t turned to look at me though I know that she’s heard me come in. Her curly brown hair hides some of her face but I can tell her blue grey eyes are staring at the family portrait. Even though her long legs are stretched out in front of her they are tense and her right foot is shaking. She is really mad at me. Cadence has turned to look at me, her big eyes, the same colour as everyone’s in our family, were filled with tears and her thin, dainty arms are tight around Jamie who is only pretending to be asleep, he is looking at me through a small crack in between his eyelids filled with hope expecting me to be say that everything was fine.

Cadence broke the silence by, in her melodic tones, telling me “The hospital phoned”.

Shit! I forgot about that. Tamara is looking at me now, she knows but she still wants me to deny it.  Like she wants me to tell her that mum was fine and that I didn’t leave them without knowing anything. I just shake my head, I don’t think that I could say anything without tears escaping from my eyes and I had to be strong, I was the oldest male, I had to protect my family.

As if on cue Angela starts crying. Tamara immediately jumps up and starts cooing over her “Baby, baby what’s up? What’s wrong?”

“Scary, want mummy!” Angela wails ripping holes in my heart again, how can we explain this too her?

Luckily Tamara comes straight back with “Mummy’s with god now, you won’t be able to see her for a while.”

“Want mummy, want mummy, want mummy” It starts up like a chance and soon Jamie is joining in, I feel like screaming it too but I know that would be pointless.

He runs up to me and slams into my legs hugging them tight, “She’s ok right Pete, she’ll be ok, god wouldn’t take her from us would he?” He looks up at me with trust, love and fear swimming in his big eyes.

I wrap him in my arms and lift him onto my hip “God needed another angel in heaven and mummy was the best person on this earth so she was picked.” My voice cracks and the tears start up again, Cadence jumps up and runs over to me and Jamie almost bowling us over in the process and holds us tight as sobs wrack through our bodies. Tamara’s in the corner trying to calm down Angela who is still chanting, I don’t think she understands yet. I would go over and help but I don’t think I can physically say anything, just stand here and cry for my dead mother.

Eventually we stop and sit down, the girls on the sofa and me and Jamie on the floor, I look down and see that he’s fallen asleep with his head in my lap. The sun is completely up now. I sigh and turn to the girls, “what are we going to do?”

Tamara looks at me, she looks so tired, like she has the weight of the world on her shoulders “I don’t know, but we have to keep the kids here.”

I hadn’t even thought of that, what if social services want to take away Jamie and Angela? Tamara’s nineteen so technically she can look after them but I doubt that they would want that to happen, I’m seventeen and cadence is sixteen so they can’t take us into care. If only I was eighteen, with two adults they probably wouldn’t try to take them but with only one the chances don’t look good. My arms automatically tighten around Jamie and he starts to stir, I relax and he settles down again. I realise that Tamara’s still talking and tune back in.

“I’m sure mum would have put in her will that we should look after them, I have a job that is decent paying and so does Pete so we could use that, they won’t be able to take you two away so that’s a positive.”

“I could always leave college and work full time” I add.

“NO!” I get whisper yelled at me by both of my sisters.

Tamara looks at her watch and sighs, “I’ve got to get to work, we’ll talk about this when I get back, but there is no way you’re throwing your future away because of this.” She looks at me sternly, hands Angela to cadence and leaves the apartment as quietly as possible.

Cadence looks at me with tears in her eyes “they can’t take them away can they?”

“I don’t know.”