Sometimes I forget who was hurt first.
At some point, I started to stare away blankly just as much as you did,
All we did was look away from each other in our darkness.
How could you leave me to handle these feelings all by myself?
When were you going to tell me that these thoughts were so overbearing?
At the point that you realized what you did to me,
Like a coward, you ran away in fear of the monster you created.
You knew not to hurt me,
You knew what I'd become.
Even then, I thought about you everyday,
Our good times and the bad ones too.
It seems like we wrote a tragic love story;
Your cold hands, your frozen feet, your swollen eyes, your empty mind, and your disposition to hide it all from me,
I wished I could take it all away.
Yet you left me out of your own selfishness,
"I just want to be alone right now. I'm sorry..." you said.
You couldn't even lift your head in front of me.
You knew if you looked me in the eyes,
You couldn't bring yourself to let me go,
I was all the support you ever had...
So why would you let the bridge buckle on purpose?
All we ever did was sacrifice for each other,
We never took the time to appreciate the good times together.
You had me backed into a corner,
We both knew what was coming,
But while you were set on giving up and letting go,
I was holding on and trying to save us.
Your empty promises helped me hang on to life a little while longer.
I should've just stayed quiet on that day,
I should've held your hand a little longer,
I should've hugged you a bit tighter,
That way, you wouldn't have been cold for so long.
I wish our love was stronger than your pride.
...
It's been almost a year now and I see you smile again,
But I know you locked our story in your memories, only to reflect at night time.
I'm relieved that you can build new memories,
So, I guess I'm happy just because you're happy.
Even though I got past the tears and I can smile confidently again,
I want to be hugged by someone who knows I need it,
I want to share my secrets with someone,
I want to trust someone,
I want to address my poems to someone,
I want to hold a hand that I never have to let go of.
Through all of these hardships, and many that I may never speak of again,
My mind is full of fantasies that I make up to keep myself from feeling pitiful.
I shut myself in again;
I don't want to become vulnerable to anyone ever again.
I don't need to fall victim to another person that will leave me to struggle alone.
I will not allow myself to deviate from the happiness I deserve again.
These are my final thoughts toward you.
