Just Me

Just My Crazy Thoughts...

I wish. That there was a way. To help everyone tonight so they don't jump off that edge, they don't cut or they don't pull the trigger or they don't take all those meds... But why am I stop them? When I am so fucking jealous. Because they are pain free, no one is bothering them anymore and they are in a better happier place. Yet I'm still living in hell. If only I could do the same thing. Without hurting anyone... Yet I know I'll never say you absolutely can not fucking cut... I'll give you things to try and help... I'll give you advice to help you calm down... But if you have to I understand, cause if you've done it before. I understand that feeling. For that person who wants to make that first cut. Don't do it. Don't do it? Don't put yourself in this place. Don't self harm, don't burn, don't do anything. Just do anything other than that. Because years from now if I asked you what you would want to say to your younger self. It would be those words. "to not make that first cut".... But that's just me... And my opinion...cause for some people they can't live without it, it's their only way to live.
I don't like judging people. Ever. I'll never judge someone. I'll always try to learn their story first. And I feel horrible for those friends that need a friend. And need someone and I could be talking to them. Yet life is a fucking bitch to me.
My soul is so fucking kind, and has so much gold. And I feel like everyone uses it.
And I hate it. But also I hate how I get these feelings where I'm not doing enough.....I honestly wanna just fucking scream and stab something.... This is the vibes my mom house gives me... Shit.. she yelled at me all because I was trying to do work for her.... Then grandpa didn't know where the power on button was.... Then grandpa got mad while I tried to be nice and explain it to him like as though I couldn't help him... Then the fact I feel like the doctors are just pushing me aside saying nothing's wrong with you cause they see nothing on my MRI though they never see anything... And the last time they saw nothing I ended up having to go through a super extreme test and get my gallbladder removed...my knee is in pain from walking up and down these stairs but fuck doctors they never help me all because of my mom's reputation...I f****** hate how you're like oh I'm going to be in try a good mood and f*** it depression just a site so hey look who decides to show up so guess what now my body's just like f*** you f*** you f*** you f*** this little world and just go die in a hole...I f****** hate myself for this I f****** hate how people are like oh why can't you be happy for something and stuff and like I can be I can be happy for someone I can be like oh you can do this but I can never be happy for myself I can never be like oh my God I look really pretty day I will always find something negative about myself because that's just how I was raised I will never be able to find something good in myself because I don't think I have any good me and that is really bad but I can never be optimistic about myself everyone says I'm such a Negative person but I'm not I will never be negative around anyone but myself...I once told someone I would rather be told the brutal truth than a lie... Cause all I've ever heard my entire life is lies... I've had to live a lie, and that was "I'm fine" you know it's so crazy how people can just go on every day and be like I'm so f****** happy that we smiling and saying oh it's such a great day I haven't had such an amazing day in a while when honestly in their living f****** hell they just want to go to the bathroom and cry some people just want to go and die or you just want to go and self-harm some people are just leaving depression constantly every day by day and people don't see it and that's what I hate because nobody sees the signs that we aren't okay and I wish there was a way to put out there in the world to look out for your friends and not put them down and I absolutely hate when adult joke like so if I poke them they're going to have PTSD about it it's not funny it's not funny at all and I understand that because I've been there my family is so amazing and they're there for me but their friends they will be like oh I know you were speeding when you wrecked when they don't accept the truth that I wasn't even going above 50 mile per hour on that Rock Road that they they like oh I know teenagers but they don't know half of it adults think that we're being whiny babies and honestly this is just how the generations going and that it's been going on for years because my dad was used to bulliedd everyday during high school he didn't want a single thing because everyone bullied him the fact that my dad could tell me that if I wasn't alive he probably wouldn't be here either the fact that I used to think that my brother has hated me and that my family didn't want me here until I told my dad that I tried to kill myself and I've never seen my dad more grief-stricken and my whole life don't think your parents don't love you because I do and I know it's some cases your parents don't love you and I actually hate you and I know some parents that actually use their kids and some parents that abuse their kids because if it wasn't for my dad I probably dead t because of my mom ever since I can remember I'm a little kid my mom has said oh my God you're so fat and it was closed oh my God look at how ugly you are doing all of it wrong or just feeling and ever since then I thought it was just born a mistake you know I've gotten used to her like slapping my hand or just stopping me on the arm or maybe on the face but when she hit me on the head with her fist I knew it was time to get out of there and yet I still can't get out of there because I still have so much left to do to get there I just can't make one little choice and not go back because it'll be f****** hell and she will fight as hard as you can to try and get me to stay with her even though she doesn't even try and pay attention to me. I feel so sorry for my boyfriend because his parents don't see him the way he needs to be seen I try so hard to be what he needs and sometimes I feel like I feel but I know I'm not I wish I could be a better friend sometimes because I'm being a really horrible support group to my best friend my other best friend I wish I could just bring him here so him didn't haveto deal with his siblings. Yet here I am I having the most happiest things happiest things in my life and yet I still let other things make it horrible....