From desire to hate

The belief in a supernatural source of evil is not necessary.Men alone are quite capable of every wickedness.

The officer brought me to a cell and said something to me. I couldn’t hear him, all I could hear was her. Screaming for help, for mercy, for me to stop.

I can feel the adrenaline running through my body. Just the pleasure that it gave me makes me want to scream right now.

Her hazel eyes looking at me in fear. She looked just like Anne. Oh Anne, Anne,Anne.

‘Sir did you murder Katherine Wilson?’

‘Who’s Katherine?’

The lieutenant showed me a picture. A brunette woman laying in a sea of blood. Her own blood. I remembered her. She was my recent love. I prefer using the word love and not ‘victim’. But the truth is I was really in love with them all, just like I was inlove with Anne, they just couldn’t see it.

‘Yes, I did’. And I started laughing.

‘You murdered this young lady and you start laughing?’.

‘Of course. You should’ve seen the fear in her eyes when I held the knife in my hand.’

The lieutenant showed me a bunch of different pictures now. They all had one thing similar ; long brunette hair. Anne’s hair color. I have murdered all of them.

‘Why did you do it?’

I didn’t have anything against them and they never did anything wrong to me. The way other people have all my life. Maybe they’re just the ones who had to pay for it.

I felt so sad. Anxious and nervous. I have tried all kinds of tranquilizers but they didn’t work, they never did. Emptyness. I have been feeling this way since she did that to me. How can you do something like that to a human being? Do you have no heart?. She ripped my heart out. I felt dark and lonely. I felt like I was nobody. I didn’t want to do this anymore but I had no choice. I was so empty and the desire was strong.

‘ I did it all for Clara.’

‘Do you mind explaining who Clara is?’

‘That’s the name I would’ve give my daughter’

‘ Anne was my highschool sweetheart. Everything was perfect, then we went to university. Anne got pregnant. We were so happy even though it wasn’t planned. I got a job to take care of us. I promised her that one day we will get married and live in an nice big house with our children. I loved her. Do you know how much I did?

I loved her so much that there was no room left for myself, so much that I wouldn’t be able to survive if she left me, but she did.

Anne got a miscarriage.

I was devastated. But we got over it and continued our life. But after 2 years Anne got pregnant again. This time she didn’t tell me. I found out that she did an abortion when the baby was 4 months old. Can you believe that? When I confronted her she dumped me. Just like that, no explination no nothing.

From the deepest desires often comes the deadliest hate.

I was hurt and empty. I kept wondering what I did wrong. I still saw her on campus everyday. The way her long brunette hair fell on her back and the dimples that appeared when she smiled or laughed. I missed her. I wanted her but she was just living her life like nothing happened. Today she had an jeans on with a red crop top. I looked and smiled at her she turned away and kissed my ex-bestfriend ,who stopped talking to me because I didn’t go out anymore, in the mouth. She knew I was looking, why is she doing this to me?.

Since that day I wasn’t hurt anymore, I started hating her.

September 19, 1996.Exactly one year that Anne dumped me.

I followed Anne to her apartment. I wanted to talk to her, asked her what I did wrong. I couldn’t live like this no more, with unanswered questions. I didn’t meant to kill her but I said hi to her and she ignored me and kept playing with her phone and it made me upset. I grabbed her by her arm and pushed her against the wall. “Answer me!”.

“Bryan, what are you doing? It’s me Anne”

“Damn right I know it’s you. Today is precisely 1 year that I haven’t slept very well, eat well or do anything well. I don’t have any strength, I’m empty. I never did anything wrong I have loved you with all my heart.”

“ Bryan grow up, it was just a highschool thing. And you got boring I wanted actions”

Her words stabbed me in the heart. “You want actions? Actions? Is that what you want? I’ll give you some actions.” I screamed at her. After that sentence I grabbed a knife from the counter and stabbed her several times. The first time I did she looked shocked, in pain and in fear. I don’t know how many times I did but when I was finished I felt alive. I haven’t felt alive a long time ago. 365 days ago.

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face ;You must do the thing you think you cannot do.