I'm Here

I was running. I didn't know where to or why I just knew I had to. I couldn't see anything but I could hear everything. I could hear my feet pounding the ground against pavement, I guess, as I ran. I could hear my rapid and short breaths. I could hear the wind blowing. I could hear my heart pounding against my chest. Sometimes I could hear my hands slapping my sides as I ran, but I couldn't feel them. Maybe I was really numb from running. Why can't I see anything? Are my eyes close? Is it too dark? I tried to move my arms from my sides so I could feel my face, but I tripped and a sudden feeling of regret filled me. Am I scared? Am I just exhausted? I don't even know why I'm running. I feel like I'm running from something. No not something, but someone. I hear more footsteps. They sound like someone is running but they are father away. Are they out to get me? I mean why I would feel the urgent need to run away from someone who is trying to help me so it makes sense. If so, then, I have to move! I could hear their footsteps coming closer every second. Then, I heard their voice. It was my father's voice. I turned towards the voice to confirm my fears. Unfortunately, I was correct. He was the only thing I could see in a sea of black. When I saw him, behind me I started hearing more footsteps. Then, my mother's voice appeared. They were yelling the same revolting words they usually did except they were in unison. They called me worthless, useless, a burden, and many things that I rather not say. I attempted to get up and failed. My legs just wouldn't corporate. Come on! I tried and tired until I gave up. They were getting closer and closer their voices so loud that it was like music blaring in my ears. I plugged my ears to muffle the sound but it just got louder and louder to the point where their voices were the only thing I could hear. Please make it stop! Make it stop! Make it stop!

I woke up screaming and crying. I scrunched up into a ball. I calmed down after I realized I didn't hear them and opened my eyes to see my bedroom. I got out of my little ball and looked around to make sure I was alone. I shook my head. I'm twenty-three-years-old and I still have nightmares about my parents. I looked beside me at my dark bedside table and grabbed my phone. I opened it and saw that I had a missed call from my best friend, Jay. I called her back and was greeted with her yelling at me for not answering.

"Blade, start answering my phone calls, you idiot!"

"Jeez, lady calm down, I was asleep."

"So, your phone should've woken you up."

"No I keep it on silent, sleep is more important."

"Blade you can't do that, especially since...," she trailed off not finishing her sentence. I look down at my arms wrapped in gauze.

"Jay, I'm not going to try to kill myself again," I assured.

"Still," Jay argued." I worry about you; I know you could lapse again."

I move the blankets and look at my scared legs where my boxers moved.

"I haven't relapsed," I promised and it was true. No matter how many nightmares or memories came back to haunt me, I haven't. I can't stand to see that look on Jay's face again. She looked like she was in pain like she was dying along with me. I can't stand to see the one I love like that.

"I just worry is all," she said.

"I know," I replied.

"By the way, I'm coming over; I need to talk to you."

"About what?"

"You'll know that when I get there," she answered. "Bye Blade!"

"Wait!" I said but she hung up.

I sigh. Jay is going to be the death of me one day. I get up and walk towards my closet. I looked at my stomach and shook my head in disgust. Jay doesn't know I don't eat due to my parents calling me fat, so my ribs show but, I'm still too fat. I grabbed a pair of black skinny jeans and a long sleeve red shirt and ran to the bathroom to shower. I unwrapped my arms and covered them with bags so I wouldn't get my stitches wet and hopped in the shower. I dried off and got dressed after I rewrapped my arms and left the bathroom. I heard my door open shortly after.