In Dreams I Lie

Chapter Four: Masks of Hidden Mist

I wish for the long, graceful summers of my youth. The ones where Mother and Father would let the servants turn Sansori and I free to the fields. We would go out early and stay out until long past dark when we were peppered with scratches and plagued with sunburns. Sometimes the servant's children would join us, and we would play games, running races among the wheat and corn. It was during these summers that Sansori and I lost our first teeth and kissed our first boys. It was there that I met Koen and Ammon, there that Sansori met Hass. It was there I learned that I was never forced to use my magic.

Sansori and I used to watch the zeppelins land and take off from the runways by the trade centers and palace. We used to make up stories about what each one carried and where it was going. We would make some go to the West, some to the East, and when we were feeling really adventurous, some would go to the North. I still am not sure why exactly we kept circling back to the North, but it became our private obsession.  Sansori used to dream about a prince from the North coming and falling in love with her, sweeping her away to his far away palace to rule over a land of outlaws. I would always as her why; why would she need a prince to carry her with him when we had everything we needed right here? She would do nothing but shrug. As we got older, those fantasies faded away like dust drawing on a windy day. Sometimes, Koen would let me read his reports from journeys to the north. They were nothing like the wild stories my sister and I had concocted. They said things that made us both shiver, things that brought us to tears in the quiet confines of the room we used to share. Sansori would always ask me if I wanted to make up stories with her again. I always say no, more for her sake than mine. I know that while she pretends with me, she cannot bare to know that her imagination only yields the beginnings of the horrors in the North. Sansori walks a delicate line.

My knees curl up to my chest. I'm sure that there will be a plethora of grass stains on my skirt once I stand. There will be dust on my hem and seeps in my hair as well. None of that matters. What have I done? Even I do not know. There is so much that remains a mystery. But I did lose control. I almost hurt someone. Now I am really crying, the heavy unattractive sort that turns eyes from white to red. My eyes are forced into my knees. I see the spirals that come with putting to much pressure onto one's eye sockets.

"Acradiel!" The voice is sudden and desperate. Even though I recognize it, and every fiber of my body but my brain begs me to look up, I don't. I can't see him right now, I don't want to. It would be easier just to melt from existence and into the mountain top.

I hear his footsteps rush up the hill towards me. "Koen." I raise my gaze to his.

"Arcadiel."

I stand, and he throws his arms around me. His hands are soft and familiar around my back. I burry my head in his shoulder. "Where were you sent this time?" My voice is muffled by the fabric of his shirt.

"I actually-" he starts to say.

I disentangle myself and cut him off before he can reach the end of his sentence. "Forget it. Stupid question. You're not allowed to tell me." I take a half hearted swipe at the tears running down my cheeks. "I need to be in the council room. Will you take me there?" I sound colder than normal, more formal. It signals the end. After tonight, I will no longer be able to let my hand lazily wander over his, or interact with him as anything but his employer. Sansori would ask me why I am so sure that he will not ask for my hand. But she does not know Koen like I do. She did not train along side him like I did when I lost faith in my magic, she did not spend sleepless nights sitting with him on the roof of the palace learning all she could about faraway kingdoms, like I did, she did not waste her first kiss on an impossible love like I did. Koen is a free spirit, that is why he is one of the palace spies to begin with. He could never be a prince, tied down to a kingdom. While I am sure he loves me, it is the kind of love that will wain to friendship and nothing more. Koen has always liked what he cannot have.

He nods and understands what I am asking for. We both knew the inevitable.  Together, we walk back over the yards I have run and to the palace. It is a strange feeling, to be heavy and light at the same time. Heavy as I know my future now the way one knows the sound of their own voice, light, as I no longer have to be the one in control. Mother and Father will decide for me, though it goes against their philosophy, then Sansori, once she is queen. I cannot lose control like I did this morning. It is safer for everyone involved if I simply bow to my fate. A safe husband, a resigned me going without flares of emotion. It will be a blessing and a curse.

The council room stills as I enter. Already, there are men lined up against the walls waiting for their chance to woo me and my sister. Some give me hopeful smiles, some give me smirks, and some look at me like a piece of meat on a platter. I keep my head high and ignore all of them. My sister looks at me encouragingly but stops when she sees my face.

When I reach the dias with the two thrones clothed in red velvet, she pulls me too her. "Arcadiel. Everyone was so worried! Are you alright?" She whispers to me.

I give a subtle nod that only see can feel. It is all I can mange as of right now. She lets me go and I seat myself on the lower of the two thrones.

"Bring up the first suitor!"