The Untold Truth

Baby Steps

I grew up with my grandma. The reason for that was the fact that my mother getting pregnant about a year after she had me. So, she left me with her. I honestly didn't have much of a problem with that. My grandma gave me everything food,clothes,and best of all love. My mother told me the reason she never took me back during those twelve years was due to the fact that my grandma got attached to me and she didn't want to hurt her. She was right. The other reason though was because of her sad excuse of a husband. He was complete trash and she didn't see it. She didn't see it in any of her relationships. My grandma didn't want me getting anywhere near him because he was a very bad man. I understand that now and see why she did it. The household I grew up in was great. I had love from my grandma and my aunt there. My mother would visit daily of course because she 'loved' me. I grew up with everything besides my siblings. I was honestly pretty lonely there without them. We didn't bond as much as siblings should have and we weren't very close at all either. That was okay though...right?

As the years went by I began staying with my mother. That's around the time my aunt had moved out of my grandma's house. So my grandma told me I was allowed to go over and stay but I had to sleep at my aunt's house. It seemed fair so I agreed. Towards the end of that year I was about 13...my mother's husband had divorced her. She was devastated of course and so were my siblings. I really didn't see that man as anything that cheating piece of crap. About a few months had passed and my mother said she wanted to go to a party but we had to keep it a secret. I agreed of course because hey it's a party and two because she said it was a friend from work who was throwing. Safe enough. We drove off and that night was just a nightmare. My grandma was worried sick what had happened to us and so was my aunt. Let me tell you when my grandma gets worried it's chaos on our family. We were at a restruant when my grandma called my mother. She handed me the phone and told me to tell her we were just eating etc. Okay I was raised by her so it hurt so much to lie to her. I listened to my mother and handed her back the phone. After that I was a complete crying mess. As we walked out I looked st my mother my emotions were mixed with sadness,guilt and anger. I told her I didn't like lying to her and it killed me inside. Of course she apologized and said she wouldn't make me do it again. Another lie. We ended up staying at a hotel due to how late it was and I woke up again around 3am to my mother handing me the phone. I answered and it was my grandma she asked if we were okay and where we were. I answered honestly on that part. As we arrived back home later on that morning my family was upset with my mother for what she did. I don't blame them. She kept us from answering any calls from them and I had no minutes on my phone.

As all that subsided we noticed that our mother began going out really late at night. She would text very often and go outside and talk on the phone for hours. It was the same guy from when we went to the 'party' that kept contacting her. Later on which wasn't very long after he moved in with us. That's when everything changed. My mother would make us sweep,mop,wash the dished, etc. The thing is that she never made us do that. Her and my aunt would constantly get into arguments. So would my grandma and my mother. Later on she told us about not even a week after her divorce is when they began chatting. Can you believe that!? NOT EVEN A WHOLE WEEK! I began going with my aunt and grandma more often due to me not being able to handle home anymore. I had barerly moved in with her two years prior to this. Me and her would get into constant arguments and I would tell my aunt and grandma what she was up to. She would constantly leave us at home alone until midnight and hours around there due to her going places with him. Don't get me started on his annoying nephew. Things got worse from their and it caused a giant rip between our family. Her choices didn't help either. My aunt and her would go days ignoring eachother or shooting some nasty things to eachother. To the point where my mother would cry or my aunt.

I remember one day we brought up her ex husband and I told her how I felt about all of that. I told her how I felt and how it seemed as if she had picked him over her own daughter. She always tells me the same thing when I bring it up and I can't believe it for crap. It's all lies because it's the only thing she knows how to do. I know that the relationship my mother and I have will never be close and will only be the both of us arguing but sometimes I wonder...what happened to that big hearted mother I once had. It hurts to type all this it really does but I won't let my emotions control me like they always do. My mom was once a very honest and caring soul...what went wrong? I'm not sure. The new one left her after leaving a big rip in the family that we had to stitch back together. My mom was of course once again upset about it but eventually she got over it and went to clubs with my aunt and my uncle. They enjoyed themselves and it started happening all over again. The phone calls, the texts...the late night driving...she's doing it all over again. It really sucks...so that leaves me to where I am now. You want to know what I'm thinking and what I'm feeling...

Why? Please explain to me why you need someone in your life? It makes me angry. How she thinks she can just shatter us and everything be alright. How she can just build us and break us down when she wants. It's also funny how she thinks we'll always be there. How she keeps on making the same freaking mistake! WHY CAN"T YOU JUST LEARN! Is it that hard to learn from those mistakes all three of them! Your son's father left. My father left. My sister's father left! All three of them left! All the relationships do is change you and not for the better! Not even close! I want to yell and just cry. I want to cry and run away because this already feels like the opposite of heaven! It already feels like I'm suffering and burning down there

Dear Mother, How do you expect me to smile everyday when the only thing you know how to cause is pain? How do you know what I'm feeling if you only just met me 2 years ago? How do you supposedly know every little thing about me? You were right, I should punish you by loving my grandma and my aunt more than you...but for what you've done that isn't enough. It will never be enough. We will never be enough to satisfy your needs will we!? No, that's okay if we aren't that's okay if we never will be. I see what greed you hide behind your eyes and nobody likes it. You don't listen to your mother, your sister, or even your own kids! When will you listen? When things get to bad? By then it'll already be to late. I hope as the years go by and as we leave you'll see every little mistake you made. Every little scar you left imprinted on us. Every horrid memory and every awful burn you caused to our minds. I hope one day you'll understand what it truly means to be happy. What the definition of a real smile is because the ones that are always on your face are made from pure lies. The heart you have replaced your beautiful one with it made of pure shadows and deceit. One day I'll read this to you. You could slap me if you wanted to then you'd regret that as well. I hope one day you do lay your hands on me so you can regret every freaking thing you did! I have to promise one thing for sure and I mean it. I may love you because you're my mother. My creator doesn't mean you can't do something to cause me to hate you because believe me you already are. When I see you sometimes my mood flings from okay to angry. From upset to alone. From alright to not okay. I promise on my own soul and my own life I will never forgive you for any of this.

Sincerely, your 'daughter'