It's impossible, right?

1: That is just me

It's start of April, middle of my 2nd semester and I still don't know how to deal with myself. I have 19 years of my life that I passed, experienced, dealt with, but I am not me. Is that an actual thing? Can someone spend 19 years in their body and still not know who they are? I mean, I do know all technical details, such as my name, hair color, nationality, shoe size, etc. But I still don't know what's wrong with my mindset. I guess that might just be me. Yeah, that is just me, I don't think others have the same issue. Grip on pen in my right hand tighten and wrote down single word: Maybe.
Yeah, instead of listening in class I was in my own mind writing that single word over and over again, but just in different styles like by that I was hoping it might change meaning. Until my friend poked me in ribs causing me to exhale quickly and grip that pen even tighter so I wouldn't poke her back or do something worse. I hastely dismissed that thought and looked at her.

- Are you gonna go to lunch with me? - she asked me like answer wasn't written on my face.

- Are you retarded or what? Of course, I will go eat. - I sighted and turned my head back to professor trying to actually hear professor's words and not just her high pitched voice. I failed and after few attempts of trying I gave up and I flown in my head again.

Did she had nothing better to ask me? Or did she just want to start a conversation with me? Why am I overthinking this, she is my friend. I glanced at her, while she was sitting comfortable in her seat beside me playing with her blonde hair. Yeah, I guess she was pretty, but I never seen her further than her big cheeks and small nose or amber eyes. She was just a friend and we were friends for quite some time now, I'd dare even say we're best friends, but maybe that would just be too much? Trying to find a perfect label for how I feel about her she poked me once more and this time I poked her back, harder than she poked me, saying trough my teeth:

- If you do this once more, I swear I will break all of your fingers. - she giggled at my words, got closer to me and replied:

- Do it, I'll get money from insurance and I won't sue you. - I flipped my eyes and exhaled deeply, trying to not get annoyed, because I know she didn't mean to annoy me or do anything bad. The annoyance was in my head. She's just being best friend. - So, when will you meet Joseph again?

- When will I meet Joseph again? - I repeated the question remembering who is Joseph she's referring to. Then it hit me. Guy I went on date during weekend with. He was really boring, but a great kisser. - I certainly will not meet Joseph again.

I turned my head back to notebook where this time I wrote my name, Kristen, among with those "maybe"s. In corner of my eye I could see Jenna's fingers going to poke my ribs again, but stopping before even reaching my personal space. I looked back at her, not wanting her to ask anymore questions I just said:

- He's cute, he's a great kisser, but I believe that is it.

- But you said you like him very much last week! How do you change your mind so fast? You can't be both hot and cold in same time.

- It's not about changing mind fast, he's just the worst person I've ever been on date with.

- How do you know that? You've literally only been with him on one single date. Don't you think you owe him that much to let him take you on 2nd date?

I wanted to reply in that moment. I wanted to yell at her and call her out for being naive idiot and a stupid know it all, nobody likes know it alls. I wanted to scream at her for thinking that she knows what's right for me and what I owe him, what I should do and what shouldn't I do. I closed my eyes, inhaled and squeezed my fists. No, I don't owe him a damn shit. He is no one in my life. I never cared for him. I lied last week when I told Jenna I care, or when I said I want to care for him. I tried to get some words out of my mouth but non wanted to pass my lips. So I just shrugged my shoulders and kept looking in her eyes. I really hoped she would say something that we wouldn't leave it on this, but I also hoped she would stay silent, because I was ready to kill her in my mind for another romance related question. 
Luckily for both of us she didn't have time to say anything else, professor said we're done and to be honest I am not sure I heard her exact words when she said we're free. I just noticed others are packing their notebooks in bags so I followed it and placed away what I had on desk in front of me.

Looking back at place where Jenna sat I notice she was gone, my heart started racing. Did she leave me? Why would she leave me? Did she got offended by the fact I didn't said anything back to her? Should've I agreed with her and go on date with Joseph one more time? Maybe it's not even my fault, why would it be my fault? Maybe she's just overreacting. I did nothing wrong. It was her stupid question that got us to argument. Did we actually argue? I don't actually think so. I should apologize. I will apologize. I took my bag and rushed out of classroom looking for that blond haired girl. Scanning everyone that was in hallway I noticed she wasn't here. I swore to myself and hurried down in front of university. When I was at the last step I saw that she was smoking outside with other girls we hung out with from time to time. When she noticed me she said goodbye to those girls and walked towards me.

- I'm sorry, yeah I guess you're right. I owe that guy a second date. - I said looking her in eyes trying to see any emotion in them. I thought I'd get wrinkle of happiness or maybe excitement, but instead I saw her shaking her head left and right:

- No. You don't owe him anything. It's your choice, if you like him you will choose to go on second date with him and if you don't, well you won't. - she smiled at me and pulled me into hug. I hugged her back with relief, I didn't even plan on texting that guy ever again. With her stupid smile still on her face she bumped hips with me. - So have you gave thought of what you want to eat?