It's impossible, right?

2: I don't know

We decided to go for pizza cause it was the closest. I followed Jenna's steps up few steps into local that was our favorite pizza place, mostly because it was in walking distance form our collage, but not set on campus. Not many students came here, except few waiters and waitresses that worked here part time.
I let Jenna go first so she would choose where we would like to sit down and as always, she walked to the end of local. The table had two chairs and both looked to window, on not busy street. On our way to here we talked about casual things, but it felt like we didn't talk at all. It was probably all in my head again.
When I took my leather jacket off and placed it on back of my chair waitress was already here ready to take our orders. My eyes stopped at hers and I couldn't help but to spread my lips in one of my famous flirtatious smiles. Her dark brown eyes seemed so sweet to me and I saw her lips getting into smile themselves, but it's just part of her job.

- I want one Margarita. - said Jenna fully aware of mine and waitresses gazing moment.

- Sure thing, something else? - waitress quickly switched her look to Jenna and tiny bit lowering that smile, but she still had it on.

- Yeah, coke. - said Jenna and turned her head towards me. I looked down at the menu like I didn't know what I want to order. 

- And for you? - waitress asked once she stopped writing down Jenna's order. I still didn't look up. I had weird feeling in my stomach, it was anxiety combined with guilt, a lot of guilt. I don't know why, I tried shaking it off but I couldn't so, I just smiled even harder and more widely at waitress and said:

- I'll take Caprichosa and beer. - I looked deeper in eyes of this girl. She nodded and quickly replied before turning and going away:

- Sure thing, coming up. 

I couldn't help but to lower my glare to her butt. From all the walking it was well formed and I bet it would be too big for my hands, but I would still want to hold it. Quickly shook off that thought and focused on Jenna and those gut feelings that still haven't left me. God, I wanted to poke someone's eye out. Covered in frustration, while trying to shift my annoyance into focus on Jenna I started scratching my skin, my thighs. Like they weren't damaged enough, but they were the only place out of Jenna's sight.

- And that's when I was abducted by aliens. - Jenna said completely seriously while studying my face. I was still too much focused on things in my head and my feelings, but yeah, somewhat self-harm as well.

- Oh, yeah. Are they green? - I replied even more serious. I knew that line "I was abducted by aliens", she mostly said it whenever she thought I was not paying attention. Truth to be told, I wasn't paying attention, but I did hear words. I was listening to her, but not hearing her.

- Good. So you did listen to me. What are your plans for this week?

First thing that popped to my mind was: Seriously? I am one of most unorganized people out there. I don't know what I will do in an hour, or ten minutes and not during this week. I wanted to say something like this, but instead I choose to play dumb:

- Eat. Drink. Sleep. Go to university. You know, the basic stuff.

She didn't seem to be pleased with my answer and I was happy about it. Because it was such a stupid question! How am I supposed to know what I'll be doing this week? It's just Monday, barely 2 pm and from what I know week is period of 7 days! 7 days guys! I might die in that period of time. No one knows.

- Will you answer now for real? - she asked me and I could sense that she was getting tiny bit annoyed by me.

If I get her annoyed enough will she leave me alone then? Will I have peace and quite? Will I not be hearing from her? I accidentally scratched over my fresh cut wound and I cried out a bit in pain but in matter of seconds I shook it off and looked into jantar eyes again, re-establishing eye contact I broke she asked me first time what will I do.

- I don't know. - I answered truthfully and continued on same note - You have any plans? Or ideas?

- I want to go to some party. There will be spring party on Thursday. 

Tension inside me was building up. She will ask me to go with her and I will say I will but in last moment I will find worst excuse, cause I don't want to. Why can't I tell her now that I don't want to go? That parties are not my style or fact that I'd rather stay in and have movie night? I always felt guilty cause of it. I'm even starting to feel it now, even though she didn't said anything.
I kept looking her in the eyes like there wasn't storm in my heart and my palms weren't getting sweaty. I even think she noticed cause instead of continuing on this topic she switched it and we talked about stuff that made me feel more comfortable. I knew she wouldn't forget the fact she wants to go to the party and that she will for sure bring it in near future, but right now I didn't need her demands I could not meet. Rest of the lunch went normal, well except for the fact I couldn't get self-harm out of my mind. 

By the end of the lunch when we were going our separate ways, I really badly needed to cut. I was squeezing my fists so hard that my nails were dug into my palms. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I choose to harm myself in anyway, it's just that I don't know how to deal with all of those feelings that are starting to overflow me. 

Pulling my sleeves over my palms and holding them I was walking down the street to my car. I kept my head up, I always did, or at last I tried. But I needed to hold it up while walking, cause people I pass on street might think I am anxious or something and there is no way I would let others know what's going inside of me. My step was wider than usual, but not that extreme so it would seem I am running. I tried to think about something else, but the need to do something bad to myself, cause I know I would feel ashamed afterwards. Instead of looking forward like I usually did, I decided I want to look at the shops I was passing by. This was one of those streets that are near center of city, but not in actual center. 

Just now I noticed that there are even rock shops, gift shops as well as normal cloth or shoe shops. There were so many colors, but non of this things actually made me stop and look at it for a little bit. Non, until I reached tattoo salon. I never knew that there was tattoo salon here. I looked at letters Tattoo Salon that were black inside of white background on full black glass. I entered salon. I don't know why. I don't know. I just did.