My Suicide Story

27th March 2018

hey, welcome back. if you are still here after the introduction. thank you for sticking around and wanting to listen to my story. i'm going to try and do one of these a day. some days i may forget but i will try my hardest. the first thing i want to talk about is songs. songs are the biggest influence on my emotions. if i need to cry i will listen to sad songs. i bond really well with sad songs i feel. all the words make my life understandable. every word i understand. it's a way to explain feeling i can't say. just put on a song. the lyrics explain most things that i may not be able to say out loud. songs like skinny love by birdy really get to me. also breathe me by sia really explains my situation. i also love to read quotes. one of my favourites is 'having anxiety and depression is like being scared and tired at the same time. it's the fear of failure but no urge to be productive. it's wanting friends but hating socialising. it's wanting to be alone but not wanting to be lonely. it's caring about everything and the caring about nothing. it's feeling everything at once then feeling paralysingly numb.' i think i spoke a bit about that in my introduction. how it's so difficult to feel all these things at the same but they are battling against each other. i feel sorry for my friends who have to deal with ,y bullshit everyday. caitlin i'm talking about you. thank you for putting up with my shit for so long. i know i'm not that happy girl in class i used to be. i know i can't go out places with you in shorts because you will be embarrassed. i'm sorry for all of that. but thank you so much. i love you so much. self harm. mine may not be the worse yet but it will be once i get some sharp blades. my thighs. my arms. my wrists. are all full of scars. from self harm. i wasn't beautiful before i had scars and now i'm even worse. i can't go outside in a bikini because i know people will stare. everyone has a story to tell in their life. it's not my fault that mine is all over my body. my scars are my story. hours of my life i have spent sitting on my bathroom floor watching blood drip onto the floor. drip. drip. drip. splashing over the walls. little splats. dripping from my thighs. dripping down my leg, touching my toes then falling to the floor. creating a red puddle on the tiles that lay on the floor. tissues. full of blood. squeeze them, blood will drip. flushing them down the toilet so no one will see the mess i have made. blades. sharp. slicing the skin my mother produced in her stomach. the skin that used to be flawless. full of scars. full of blood. covering the skin coloured flesh that used to be scar free. blood lays. haunting my bathroom. my life is sad. all i want is to overdose. i made a plan today to do that in school. step one- come home from school and go steal pills and blades. step two- write my suicide note and leave it on my bed. step three- walk to the bridge by where i live. step four- sit on the ledge. cut my wrists. take my pills. step five- text my friends and family saying goodbye. step six- jump. this may be my plan but i'm unsure about suicide at the moment. even though i just want to end everything. i can't do that to you, caitlin, to my mum, my dad, my brother. he wouldn't understand where i have gone. he would think i have gone on holiday or something. i just can't do that to them. but because i want to end everything but don't want to because of my family, that's when self harm comes into the picture. that's why i self harm. it's my escape from reality. my way of dealing with my emotions on the inside. it's hard to explain why i do it as i have no real reason as my home life is okay and i don't get bullied. it's just other things in my head or certain things that have happened to me that have stuck with me and most likely will forever. i might talk about that topic later on in this diary thing but for now i think i won't say. i stole another blade today and instantly my mum found it but i stole another sharpener. i hate my parents, yes they try to help me get better but most of the time they just say if i cut again they will take my phone or not let me see my friend eli because she self harms too but together we are getting better. they are ridiculous but i have got to put up with them until i'm eighteen. i just try to sleep over peoples houses more to get away from them. i hope you are enjoying this thing. lots of love, m x