Memories

The Voice In Her Head

Batez stretched her back contentedly. It was another great day in Heaven. She and her devoted partner had gotten to uphold the word by performing another wonderful translation! But while that was always good fun, she was currently doing another wonderful activity: relaxing. Being a Translator was hard work and Batez was always glad for her break. Currently, she was resting in her office on the couch and beside her was her best friend, partner and husband: Bentz. He was sitting on the other half of the couch, his arm around her shoulders and his eyes shut peacefully. She smiled warmly at him. Oh, this was Heaven!

Awhile into the relaxation, Batez heard the intercom over her head go off. God was announcing another performance if anybody wanted to go. Normally, the Translators would attend, but they decided to hang back tonight. Instead, Batez turned on their little TV to watch from the office couch. The songs and stories performed were as great as always, but Batez's interest kicked in upon seeing the applicant Cora Stein. Cora had been one of the girls Batez and Bentz translated a few days ago and she'd been with the one they just kicked out of Heaven last night. June Freeman.

Batez smirked dryly. Despite Cora's wondrous voice, Batez could hear the grief in it and knew the applicant was mourning her best friend. Batez shook her head. She knew Cora would mourn June, but it was a risky thing to do. Batez was even beginning to suspect Cora had uncouth feelings towards June. That is, Batez began to suspect Cora was lesbian. Batez shuddered at the word. Lesbians, gays. More like, abominations. They were unnatural, unlawful people and Batez hated them.

Why? Batez had to bite back a groan. The voice in her head was talking again. That annoying little thing! She knew what it was and she knew it would pass just like always, but it was still such a pest. The voice in her head was the voice of her old self, her living self, her human self, her sinful self. Whenever somebody died and went to Heaven, their memories were slightly suppressed so that they might live the holy life God wanted them to. By removing memories of a human life, God was removing memories of sin from his loyal flock. Of course, sometimes, the old memories returned to haunt their owners. The memories themselves weren't the sin. It was obeying the memories that was wrong. This was wrong because the memories always whispered sin into the ears of owners and the memories enticed the owners to go back to their evil, mortal ways. Batez and Bentz and every other denizen of Heaven had endured them, but like always, they just ignored the voices until they shut up then they carried on with life. Batez was willing to bet June had succumbed to her voices and that was why she stole the book which led to her being cast out. Batez told her own voices to shut up, but they did not.

Why are gays so bad? You can't tell the difference between themselves and everybody else. Is it just because somebody in charge said so? Batez winced. Today the voice in her head was friskier than normal. It was daring to challenge God. The royal fraud? The man who claims to be merciful yet has no issue sending an innocent girl to Hell? Batez told the voice to shut up again. What if it was Bentz? What if Bentz had to go to Hell? Would you let him? Would you be the one to send him? Batez shuddered now. This was a question she hated to think about, but it was true. If Bentz ever committed a translation, would Batez have to punish him? How would she bear it? How could she destroy her husband and laugh while doing it? You know God is evil. Why do you serve him? Batez asked the voice to shut up again, this time with more politeness. It still didn't work. On and on it went, taunting Batez with the images of losing Bentz. Of seeing him tortured and dragged away from her forever. She began to cry.

"What's wrong Batez?" Bentz asked, hearing her whimpering. She was crying too hard to answer verbally. She tried to shake her head, but of course Bentz didn't believe her. "What's wrong?" he asked again and he didn't stop asking until she replied.

"I love you," she whimpered. That caught him off guard.

"I don't see why that would make you cry," he said. "But I love you too. Ya heard it?"

"I love you more than God," Batez clarified miserably, not even bothering to finish their old call-response. That woke Bentz up.

"What? You can't! It's illegal!" he protested.

"But it's true!" Batez replied with a cry. "I just can't stop thinking about June and how horrified Cora looked when we kicked her out. What if that was me and you?" Batez's dark words touched Bentz deep and his own inner voice began to mock and deride him until he was close to tears too. They clung desperately to each other for the next half hour in silence until the voices faded into the mist where they belonged.

"We'll be ok, we'll be ok," Bentz murmured over and over as the emotions passed. He still held Batez tightly. She nodded in reply, but her eyes were still wet. Slowly, the present-day returned and their inner voices had dimmed again. The whispers from their living selves had finally silenced again and they were free to go back to their sinless and heavenly lives.

"Thank goodness," Batez murmured, rubbing her head wearily. Never had the voices been so cruel and insistent. Bentz nodded in agreement. The images of Batez being hurt by him (directly or indirectly) were still seared in his mind and he vowed he'd protect her at all costs. He loved her too much to let her get hurt. She was thinking likewise.

The two were too disturbed to finish watching God's show. Instead, they shut off the TV and went to bed. Right before lights out, the two curled up closer than normal and Batez whispered one last thing.

"I love you... more than God," she tried to force a smile. "Ya heard it?" she knew it was a deadly thing to say, but it was true and perhaps her memories hadn't totally faded because there was still a hint of rebellion in her. She dared to admit that she loved Bentz more than God and, for once, she didn't feel bad about it. She looked anxiously to see how Bentz would react. His face seemed just as tired, troubled, and terrified as hers.

"I heard it," he replied and just for a moment, a grin lit face as a silent vow was made between the two and Batez felt a tiny smile grace her own face. Sleep came much easier after that even if nightmares riddle the corners.

AN: To re-explain, in this Heaven, if you've been accepted, your memories are modified so that you do know who you used to be, but some darker memories are suppressed just to remove the sinful thoughts from your mind. That way, you stay on the straight and narrow. Sometimes, though, the memories come back in the form of a voice, the voice you had while you were still alive. This voice that even God cannot remove plagues the angels of Heaven with the temptation to sin and it always asks why they're serving God in the first place. In this particular story, we see Batez's voice asking her why she follows God so blindly, especially because he pretty much has a gun to her head every day. She tries to ignore the voice and it does finally go away, but not before scaring her pretty badly.