Faye's Diary

Chapter 24: I Can't Get In The Car

I woke up the next day at around lunch time and thought about last night. I had decided to just tell the truth. Amy had asked and I had promised to tell her another time because I was too tired when she asked and had other people to see.

So together, Aunty Alice and I told her all about Charlotte and I left Aunty Alice to tell Amy about when Charlotte died. I felt sick the whole way through, knowing that I was going to visit her tomorrow. Once the whole thing was over, I told them that I was tired and was going to go to sleep, which is exactly what I did. I’m not sure how long they stayed after I fell asleep, but they certainly weren’t here now.

I sighed and thought of what was happening tonight. The more I thought of it, the more restless I became. I was thinking of phoning Lilly and Dan to tell them to come earlier when my nurse came in.

“Hello Faye, its good news. Because you’re doing so well and you’re ready to leave soon, you can be transferred to the teenage and children’s ward.”

I looked up at her, “Cool,” I said. But it wasn’t cool at all.

A few hours later, I was in a new bed in a new room in a new ward next to new people. I bid goodbye to Jackie and became aware that everyone was staring at me. I stared back at them. There were only girls in the room.

 “Hi,” a girl next to me said. She had dark skin and was probably about thirteen or fourteen. “I’m Lola, how about you?”

“Faye,” I noticed the scar starting at her forehead and ending at her jaw-line on the right side of her face. “What happened to you then?”

“I was on the back of my boyfriend’s bike without a helmet and he crashed. What an idiot - he’s dumped, needless to say.”

“A motorbike? How old is he?” I asked.

“Twenty-one. He’s gone to prison now, for letting a minor on the back of his bike without a helmet. I’m thirteen by the way, you?”

I looked at her in shock. Twenty one? What sort of sick twenty one year old would even think about dating a thirteen year old? “I’m fourteen and my boyfriend ran me over. Well, kind of.” I told her the whole story, leaving out the reason I was actually running away, of course.

“Yeah, I can see you being ok on the streets. You’re pretty so I suppose the men would share a fag with you if you went about it the right way. Make some friends who could get you your fix and I suppose you’d be fine. I was on the street for a while; that’s how I learned to be so good at it, y’know.”

I stared at her in absolute disbelief. Smoking, drugs, living on the streets; I thought that my life was hard. She didn’t seem to be any worse for wear in herself though. The fact that she was lying in a hospital bed told me that I didn’t want to be her though.

We talked for a little while until she left to go to the boys ward. She did invite me too but I said no. It was almost time for me to meet Lilly and Dan.

I said goodbye to her, knowing that it would probably be the last time I ever saw her. My bag was already packed and had been since the plan had been arranged.

I grabbed it and got my crutches and left the hospital. It was easier then I’d have thought, no-one stopped me at all. I stood in the doorway and waited for them to arrive.

After what seemed like forever, they did. I didn’t see or hear them at first, they rolled up so quietly and I was daydreaming about meeting Charlotte. I felt eyes upon me though, so I looked up. Lilly and Dan were sitting in their small car waiting for me.

They looked at me and I looked at the car. The last time I had seen a car, I had been smashing into the ground. Images of the scene came to me in flashes and my heart began to thump.

I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t get into the car.

Someone touched my shoulder and I realised that Lilly was standing behind me. She must have got out off the car. “What’s wrong Faye; don’t you want to go anymore? Are you nervous about meeting Charlotte?”

When I spoke, my voice shook and it was only then that I realised I was crying. “The car...”

Lilly’s face took on a look of understanding as I backed away and prepared to go back inside. I would rather go home than go in that car.

“Calm down Faye. Look, come here with me,” she put her arm around me and led me towards the car. Memories of the car hitting and crushing me filled my mind and I let out a yell.

“I can’t, I don’t want to anymore, please,” I said desperately. My arms flailed around in the air as I tried to escape Lilly’s hand. She kept whispering to me to calm down but it made no difference. I trembled and shook as she dragged me closer and closer to the car. I saw Dan’s face, screwed up in a concerned look. All of a sudden, the car was there, in front of me and I felt sick.

Lilly grabbed my hand and made me touch the car. I flinched. “See, you did it. Nothing happened did it? Well done, now come here.”

She led me round to the front of the car, but that was too much. I broke free from her grip and sprinted away to the other side of the hospital. I sat on the steps outside, shaking and crying. I pictured Lilly and Dan sighing and driving off and I cried harder because that was the one chance that I had of finding my sister and I’d blew it.

‘Calm down,’ I thought to myself. ‘It’s just a car, what’s the big deal; I’ve seen millions and billions of cars before. I’m surrounded by them now.’

But I knew that I didn’t have to get into those cars.

I looked up and saw, to my surprise, Lilly walking around the corner. I could have jumped for joy.

I got up and ran over to her, still crying. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” I said. “I thought you’d left, I was just about to go back inside. I’m sorry.”

She hugged me and we walked back to the car slowly. When we got there, I took a deep breath, opened the door and got in.

Once I was inside, it was completely different. It wasn’t like on the outside where I could see what I saw on that day, I was seeing everything from a new light. I sat up slightly and tried to imagine what it would have been like for Jamaal, sitting inside the car.

Lilly and Dan were clapping for me and I felt like a two year old who had just opened her first ever Christmas present on her own, but I was happy; and that’s something I hadn’t been for a very long while.