The Line Girl

Chapter One

'Live a Little More Rosy.' This quite interested me. Rosy? Does it mean happy? To be more grateful maybe, or to be more interactive? What if it meant the opposite but you have to read between the lines, which most people struggle with. What if it's describing a menacing person? Someone who can throw a punch or two at anyone? What if it's suggesting for more people to strike others and leave a rosy-pink mark across their face? ... I don't think I like this 'reading between the lines' thing. It scares me.

Sunday. Always makes me think of the sun (surprisingly) or for some reason, a loaf of freshly made bread. It's quite a nice word. Sunday. I hate Sundays. Hate them, all of 'em. Do you know why? I'll tell you. Doctors. My mother can be such a bastard. She's scared of my Anxiety Disorder. So is my father. Every sunday since my first panic attack four and a half years ago, she's made me see a doctor to try and find out if I'm ok and to see how I'm doing. She basically wants to get into my business. I don't normally say anything's wrong, I don't like talking about it. Confidence, I lack it. My doctor, Dr. Harler, always starts off a session by asking my mother if I've had anymore attacks. My mother is the type of person to mention everything, and so she does. even if it is the smallest attack or even I become a little anxious. I hate her being all in my business. Dr. Harler's ok I guess, she asks me about myself and it feels like she does actually care. But I know I'm just one of her patients that she doesn't really care about. All the same, she acts interested and tries to involve me and get me to talk. the session is an hour long - though it feels like longer. Dr. Harler's office is square, big, the walls are a cornflower blue and the floors are milky tea brown. She sits on the same plastic brown chair that spins in a circular direction and she has a pine wood desk supplied with a pot of pens and pencils, a telephone and a big black computer. There's always a faint smell of old perfume and rubber gloves which makes me nervous: I'm not used to being here, it's definatly not my comfort zone. Everything makes me worried.
One time, I remember seeing a needle on her desk and it very much frightened me and made me feel scared and then I had one. My mother tried to cradle me during the frightful time, but all I wanted was to get away. Cry. Hit me, or hit someone else. My head was in pain and my breathing shortened. I kept staring at the needle placed on her desk. I felt like it was mocking me, making me feel weak and stupid. How dare it! How dare it mock me.
Stupidest thing was that I kept looking at it. that probably didn't help my attack, and then my anxiety took over.

That was one of my worst panic attacks. I couldn't really hear much when it was going on, just faint muffled voices trying to calm me down. Mother's never let me live that down. She's also the type of person who doesn't let things go.

To try an solve my attacks, she makes me go out a lot; the fresh air will do me good apparently. So I see my friends many weekends (except Sundays) and sometimes weekdays.
Today is Saturday, and I'm seeing Kaya and Jess. They invited me to see a 3D film in IMAX and this is a movie I've been dying to see since the trailer came out. It describes my life perfectly and sort of calms me.

" This ticket costs £8.00."

The animated voice starts. My wobbly fingers activate each section of the process on the machine.

"Take your ticket and change. Thank you and have a good day."

Me, Kaya and Jess stumble up the massive flight of stairs although I hang back a little as my breathing seems to of shortened. As this is a usual thing, my friends don't seem to worry as much and continue at their speed.
The movie waiting area is big; wide purple walls, dark blue carpets with a spillage stain of the casual beer or wine, comfy white leather chairs placed in an unordered fashion around the room and a huge long bar placed on the right hand side that seems as though it's made out of mirrors. The amount of people standing at the bar worries me, I don't like crowds. At all, crowds were the thing that brought on my first panic attack ever.

"Stay here a moment, Kristina. Me and Kaya are just gonna go pee,"

I nod as they dot away into the crowds, becoming invisible to my sight. uncertain of what to do, I dunk myself down onto a white leather chair. This one placed near the doors of the entrance to the movie. While I wait, I ponder about my blog in which I'm about to start. Anxiety. The word swims around my head and doesn't stop. I want to create a blog about anxiety and my disorder. I want to find other people with the same problem and I want to help them. Anxiety is common - but and anxiety disorder is not.

The movie was so good. I think I'm inspired by it, maybe for a blog post. Although I'm confused about how to word my post and everything.
The theatre is insanely big, the seats are a deep purple (there seems to be a purple theme going on here?) and the movie screen is so gigantic. I think it's one of the biggest screens in London?

"Ladies, the film is over can you please make your way to one of the provided exits and give your 3D glasses back to the collectors. Thank you."

A very grumpy and tired young woman with curly brown hair looks at us. I could tell she's been repeating the same thing all day and she's probably sick of it. I follow Jess and Kaya out the cinema and towards the men collecting the glasses. In the spur of the moment I decide to hang back. I watch my friends go through, dropping their glasses into the big bucket. Is it a federal crime to take a pair of 3D glasses? I hope not. I stuff them into my blue and black checkered bag and slip past the men, pretending I was with other people.

"Kristina ... are you alright?"

Kaya asks. my cheeks are bright red. I feel like everybody knows what I've done. I feel like the police are going to track me down. my breathing shortened again as worry flashes through my mind. Jess runs over to me and hugs me.

"It's okay, we're leaving now. let's go get some food okay?"

I hold her hand tightly, squeezing it. Her calming words release my fear and I relax. I look around and notice a couple people staring at me and mumbling questions to their partners or friends, but I close them out and make my way out the cinema at a slow pace.

The only time I take out my new possession is at home. Shut away in my attic bedroom. I slowly stick my hand into my bag. I cautiously check around even though I know no one's there. I often over react but I'm trying to stop, it irritates everyone.
The glasses are cold. it feels like I just slaughtered an animal and now it's body has no blood to keep it at the right temperature. Hope the animal forgives me.
I click on my laptop and surf my way through the internet to find a page where I can write: My First Blog Post.
I'm not so good at giving advice. Maybe with the glasses I can create another girl who can give advice for me. An alter ego? As soon as I put on the glasses, I become her, The Line Girl.