Bucket List

Therapy Session #1

July 6th

"Hi, I'm Dr. Sylan, but you can call me Amanda." My new therapist said kindly.

I tucked my legs underneath me, leaning forward to shake her hand. "I'm Ella, nice to meet you." I said, drawing my hand back and folding both my hands in my lap.

She nodded, scribbling that down on her notebook. "Alright. Before we get started, this is a safe place, Ella. Whatever you tell me won't leave this room, okay?" She asked. I nodded. "How old are you, Ella?" She asked.

"Nineteen. My birthday was the fourth." I said. Honestly, I felt comfortable around this woman. She was young, probably in her mid-twenties.

"What are those tattoos on your arms?" She asked curiously. Out of habit, I laid my arms out in front of me and looked at my tattoos, which were still good as new.

"They're not real- Just sharpie for now. But they both say Stay Strong. I, um, It's to remind myself that if I ever want to self harm again, I have this to remind me to stop." I said.

She nodded, understanding. "That's a very good idea, actually. Have you felt the urge to self harm since you did that?" She asked.

I shook my head. "No. My life hit a dark patch for a few days, but everything's good now. Traveling the world with my boyfriend and best friends, and I even met someone famous the other day." I explained.

She smiled. "Well, that's great. What your boyfriends name?" She asked.

"Liam," I said. "My friends are Sammi, Harry, Louis, Zayn, and Niall. Niall and Sammi and dating." I said. She nodded.

"Where are you guys headed next?"

"Washington, I think," I said. "If I'm not wrong. But that's in two weeks or so. I think." I said, and she laughed.

"Have you ever self harmed before that dark patch?" She asked. I rubbed the back of my name. "You don't have to share now, Ella." She added.

I shook my head. "No, it's uh, it's okay. I had a hard time in high school. My brother got sent to jail and my Dad was gone, it was hard. Put being bullied on top of that and I couldn't control myself." I sais, shrugging a little.

"Is there something you have never told someone?" She asked. I looked up at her, giving her a confused look. "Usually when you want to self harm, you are holding onto something that you've never told anyone and can't let it go." She explained.

I rubbed the back of my neck. "Um.. I've never told Sammi how I feel. She's been my best friend for years, and she has cancer. I've never told her how I feel about the cancer and her." I let out.

Wow, this girl was good. She was making me say things I'd never said before. I made a mental note to thank her when our hour was over.

"What's something you're really afraid of?" She asked. I bit my lip, and started to play with my hands- something I did when I was nervous.

"Being alone," I admitted. "I mean, if I'm home alone and I know you're coming back- that's not what I mean. I mean.. if I don't know if you're coming back or not. That's my biggest fear. Besides spiders. Man, I hate spiders as well." I added.

She nodded, like she seemed to understand and get everything I was telling her. "Did you ever feel the need to run away when you were younger?" She asked.

"When my Dad left. I was so angry and confused. He's supposed to be my Dad. You don't leave your child behind. I wanted to run away and find him but I never did." I said.

"But sometimes couples don't get along. It's not that he doesn't love you, Ella. Your Dad still loves you, he and your Mom just didn't work out." She said.

I nodded, feeling my phone viberate in my shorts, but I ignored it. "I know that now. I was just a naive little girl. It just didn't make sense to me then." I said. Of course I knew my Dad didn't leave because of me. Somethings just weren't meant to be- like my parents.

"Do you still talk to your Dad? Sometimes children loose connection with one of their parents after a seperation." She said.

"He calls maybe once every few months, but we don't have a good relationship. My Mum and I are really close. She understands there's some things I keep to myself. In return, I protect her. I'm really protective over people I love." I said, which was one hundred percent true.

She nodded. "You know, my parents divorced when I was fourteen. I was just in that teenager stage so I was so angry at everything. I snuck out at night, yelled at my Mom, everything. Eventually they sat me down and explained how they both still loved me and it wasn't my fault that they broke up." She said.

I smiled softly. "My parents did the same thing. After they told me they were divorcing, they gave me the big talk. That helped me a little, knowing I wasn't the reason why they left. I think a lot of kids believe it's their fault when their parents break up."

She laughed lightly, nodding. "Ella, you said you protect you Mom. What exactly do you protect her from?" She asked, serious.

I rubbed my sweaty palms on Tyler's jacket. "Everything. Mostly men. Shell go out on dates, but I make sure to check out the guy before they get serious, so I know he won't hurt my Mum. I made a mistake with one of the men a little while ago, and something happened, and I made sure to really know nobody will hurt her." I explained.

I knew what was coming when I said that. "What was that something that happened?" She asked, and the bomb dropped. "Remember, you don't have to tell me. It'll just help to get it off your chest and talk about it." She said.

Nodding, I bit my lip, hard. "I was raped," I said bluntly. "After a huge fight with my friends, I went home to an empty flat, really upset. Then he was there and.. well you know. I got him sent to jail, but I don't think I can feel the same after that. Not one hundred percent." I said.

She leaned forward and smiled warmly at me. "None of that was your fault either, Ella. Remember, nothing said here leaves this room, so my lips are sealed when I walk out of here." She said.

I smiled back at her, really happy I came to this session. When I arrived, I was so nervous, but now I'm happy I decided to do this. I think this will really help me.

A little buzzer went off. "Sadly, that's our time. Honestly, this was the best session I've had in a long time. It's really nice talking to you Ella. See you Friday for the next session?" She asked, actually looking sad the timer went off.

I gave her a hug. "Of course. I'll see you Friday." I said, then opened the door and walked out. The air conditioner hit me as I walked down the hallway.

When I got to the front, Liam was standing there, smiling. I pecked his lips, and he wrapped his arm around my shoulders, leading me to the rental car. "How was therapy, babe?" He asked.

I slid into the passenger seat and buckled in. "Fantastic. The woman is very kind." I said, smiling.

He slid into the drivers seat, grinning at me, eyebrows raised. "Oh, yeah? What'd you guys talk about?" He asked.

I gave him a small smirk, just to get on his nerves a smidge. "Number one rule of therapy- anything you say doesn't leave the office." I said, then leaned forward and turned on the radio.

Thus, continuing our journey back to the hotel, leaving us in comfortable silence, and for me to think about how amazing my life was.