Float

An entry for hepburnettes Stydia one-shot competition!

Also, I think the song on the right describes Stiles and his fears pretty well! Hope you enjoy! :)

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Stiles does not pride himself in the fact that he refuses to to break down in front of others. Still, he must remind himself that that mindset is not something innately a part of him, but something that developed over time and straight from his own experiences. The cataclysmic event was definitely when his mom slowly withered and died, which, in turn, resulted in his dad crumbling for a year and leaving him virtually alone. Now, of course, Stiles doesn't hold that against his dad - he loved his mom a lot - but that crushing blow of watching a loved one unravel was all it took to teach him to be a rock that doesn't crumble. 

Granted, since gaining Scott as a friend, Stiles is a little more okay with letting his guard down around him, but only minisculely so. Since all this werewolf business especially and Scott getting turned, Stiles knows it's his job to be support for his friend and to help him through it, even if he's having trouble coping himself. 

Now though, their circle of friends has expanded. Now there's Lydia, Derek, Kira… and there was Allison, of course (but that still hurts too much to think about). Along with that expanding, so did the supernatural realm they were exposed to. Suddenly, it wasn't just werewolves and hunters, but now Kanimas and Darachs and Kitsunes, each threat bigger than the last. Stiles is getting more and more piled on him with more and more people watching and he has to be careful - so damn careful - to catch all of them and not let them collapse. 

The only other person who's really seen him as vulnerable as Scott and his dad has is Lydia. Now, the panic attacks are things that can't really be helped and even when his mind is screaming for him to stay cool, Stiles can't. Therefore, while sure, his whole history class has seen him breaking down, only his dad, Scott, and Lydia are the ones who could really catch him.

Even then, it's still like falling… then drowning.

"Stiles?" 

The voice belongs to Lydia and Stiles finds himself having trouble focusing on her voice. He had just drifted off into thought at his desk so he didn’t even hear her come in, but suddenly he feels dizzy and lightheaded too, and his heartbeat is rising in his ears. 

"Stiles? A- are you okay?" 

He knows that they've all been worried. Since being released from the Nogitsune's hold, Stiles has been cooping himself up in his house. He'll act fine whenever Kira or Lydia comes around or when Scott drags him outside to play catch, but the guilt is still heavy on his heart. They all keeping telling him it wasn't his fault, but there is so much blood on his hands that it feels like it hardly makes a difference.

He needs to escape. The room suddenly feels too cramped and without any sort of rationality, Stiles thinks it might be the best option to jump out the window now, just to get away. That's when he realizes: It's a panic attack. 

"I'm drowning," he blurts suddenly, spinning around and trying to focus on Lydia standing in the doorway instead of the overwhelmingly crushing terror threatening to stop his heart. "I- I can't-" 

He doesn't know how to even finish his sentence, but before he can Lydia is already at his side, strawberry blonde hair whipping around her face like a wild mane. "It's another panic attack?" She says, voice squeaking a little at the end. 

Stiles nods quickly, face scrunching up in a pain that is physical simply because it is mental. He doesn’t know why he'd said he was drowning before, but now he suddenly does. He wants to be able to let go and just float away into the depths, but he can't, dammit. He keeps telling himself to calm down but his first instinct is to thrash and fight and never let the water through.