Egoisme. || Part 2/3

Égoisme.

Junhong had always been prone to remorse. Growing up he would always come to feel ashamed of what he had done. In all honesty, Junhong never really grew up. He debuted at age 15 and never got to experience anything most teenagers do. He didn't go to the ice rink with his friends, he didn't sneak out of the house at 1:00 AM to go to some house party, he never dated a pretty girl in his class... And Junhong was fine with that. He didn't feel like it was that much of a waste when he traded growing up for fame and adoration. But the feelings of thousands of fangirls screaming your name can't begin to fill the need for the love of an actual person that is there for you. But Junhong was young and he couldn't see that.

I remember that night, I just might regret that night for the rest of my days.

Junhong had a hard time getting along with Yongguk at first. The man was dark and brooding, with a voice much too deep than that of an ordinary man. He intimidated Junhong. And that intimidation certainly was not helped by the 7 year age difference. But Yongguk was nice to Junhong. And he looked out for Junhong. And he cared for Junhong in a way he had only felt from his parents. And so Junhong fell in love. He attached himself to the first person that genuinely showed interest in him and fell in love. And when they started dating, Junhong was content.

We've all said, "that's too bad, oh that's too bad, it was probably the last time."

Yongguk fell in love with Junhong remarkably quickly. Yongguk fell in love with Junhong hard, and he fell for him fast. Perhaps Junhong knew it, and perhaps he didn't yet, but by being with Yongguk, he was destroying his leader slowly and in an agonizingly cruel way. It took Junhong a while to realize the changes in Yongguk's attitude towards him. It took him a while to notice that the pats on the head had turned into brushes on the cheek. That his hugs were no longer loose and comfortable, but tight and needy. That even the way Yongguk observed him had slowly morphed from amused fondness to complete adoration. And maybe that bothered Junhong. Maybe it bothered him a lot, actually. Because in reality, what Junhong had wanted from Yongguk was a filial connection, not a romantic one. But Junhong was young, and he couldn't see that.

Was everything a misunderstanding? Were we looking at each other in a dream?  

But he realized that much too late. Because by then, two years of the relationship had gone by and Yongguk was in much too deep. The older man was completely and utterly entangled in Junhong's web. So tangled in fact, that to attempt to take him out of it would probably rip him apart. The worst part was that Yongguk had done absolutely nothing wrong, yet Junhong got to leave the whole endeavor unscathed while Yongguk was drawn and quartered. Perhaps unscathed was the wrong term. Perhaps Junhong would come to be eaten alive by the guilt of watching his first love destroy himself. All. Because. Of. Junhong. But Junhong was young and he couldn't begin to understand the consequences of his actions.

I can't take them on my own, oh I'm not the one you know: I have killed a man and all I know is I am on the Run and go.

Torture is usually defined by pain inflicted upon someone by a person working under a government's orders so as to extract information. But Junhong didn't want information from Yongguk and he wasn't part of any intelligence agency. However, he certainly was inflicting excruciating pain on Yongguk. Is it possible to die of a broken heart? Because looking at Yongguk degenerate, Junhong was almost certain that it was possible.

Stay for as long as you have time so the mess that we'll become leaves something to talk about.

At first, he hadn't noticed that Yongguk had started decaying. He even had the naiveté to think that he was taking the breakup swimmingly. Oh, how foolish he was. Because the night he heard Yongguk cry his name out in his sleep, he knew he couldn't ignore the obvious signs of despair. He saw them all. But he didn't do anything about it. He pretended not to see because it was just so much easier than to face the reality of what he had done. Easier than to feel the remorse.

 I'm sorry, it's my fault. Thank you, it's all thanks to you. These were words you said out of habit. Even though I knew you were struggling too. You probably think I'm a fool.  

He didn't realize how much pain he was going to put Yongguk through when he eventually broke up with him. At first, he thought Yongguk was just dating him because he needed a good lay every now and then. It was that at first actually. But Yongguk had grown addicted to the sweet and honey innocence that was Junhong. He had grown to need it like oxygen. And Junhong didn't realize it. Because Yongguk was a father figure that he happened to kiss and fuck sometimes. Junhong just had a bit of extra attention and that was all he needed. 

 You're hidden in a place where I can't see you. The pain you received from me when my anger becomes one.

It's so much easier to hurt others than it is to hurt yourself. You don't have to feel what others feel what your actions to them doesn't quite affect you. Junhong was selfish. He always had been. Since the day he was born, he always relied on the fact that he didn't have to feel what others felt. What he was feeling was more than enough. Yongguk had the opposite problem: he always put whatever others felt above his own emotions. Their relationship could never work. How could it when the only person that held any importance in it was Junhong?

You try to run away, run away from the world. But then you run away, run away from yourself and you don't know the way home.

Maybe Yongguk should have known better. And perhaps Junhong should have been more careful. But what happened between them was irreversible. Junhong wishes he could go back in time and never date Yongguk. Because for the first time in his life, he could feel the pain Yongguk was feeling. And it hurt so much.

I believe in myself. I believe in the moments I can see with my eyes. I believe in this drink but they call me a non-believer.

Junhong had always been prone to remorse. Because he would often make the wrong choices and end up in a situation he didn't like at all. And he would feel stupid for ever thinking it was a good idea in the first place because he got punished. Maybe this was the cruelest punishment of all. He could feel every agonizing breath Yongguk took in his presence. He could feel every one of Yongguk's fears in the depths of his being.

You could never be satisfied: God, I hope you're satisfied!   

But Yongguk hadn't been enough. Or maybe he had been too much? Maybe he was too good for Junhong. Maybe what Junhong needed was someone who was just as selfish as he was to balance it out. And for all of his faults, Yongguk wasn't selfish.

You just want attention, you don't want my heart.

They say altruism is a good thing, but it had been Yongguk's downfall. Junhong was sorry. He truly was. He was sorry he hurt a good friend in the worst of ways. He was sorry that he sent his leader on a downward spiral of self-destruction, but most of all, because he was Junhong, he was sorry he had to feel it.

I feel tired tonight, A word that you can't forget in a breeze. Sorry, for not turning back. Sorry, for this selfish self of mine.

But sorry wasn't enough. Because sorry wouldn't mend Yongguk's heart. Sorry wouldn't fix the broken China doll that the older man had become. But most importantly, sorry wouldn't make Junhong feel better. And ultimately, that was what it came down to. Junhong. Always. And maybe that was something Junhong just had to realize before he himself could live. For all the good it was that he was regretted, he was sorry because he hurt himself. And that was only human of him. And perhaps being human was the worst punishment of all.

If you love me let me go 'cause these words are knives that often leave scars. The fear of falling apart. And truth be told, I never was yours. The fear, the fear of falling apart. 

Egoisme. It's a word that can mean many things. In French, it means selfishness but can also mean to be self-centered. To Junhong, it was his very being. His every breath and his every move. Everything he ever aspired to be was to fulfill his own ego. And maybe that's why he broke Yongguk's heart. Or maybe he broke Yongguk's heart because, at his core, Junhong was still a child. 

Love doesn't discriminate between the sinner and the saints, it takes and it takes and we keep loving anyway. We laugh and we cry and we break and we make our mistakes.