Thanks (Hoshi One-Shot)

Final

To be honest, I don't think I've properly thanked you.

I may have said a lot of I love yous- and you may have replied back I love you too- but I haven't truly thanked you for everything you did for me.

I never thanked you for holding your umbrella out for me that stormy night, back when I was done and wanted to end everything.

I never thanked you for sitting down and listening to me talk despite the fact that you didn't have to.

I never thanked you for reaching over and giving me a hug like you knew I needed it.

There were so many things I never thanked you for, and this may come a little late since you're no longer in my world, but wherever you are, I hope that when you read this you'll smile.

I loved- still love your smile. Did I ever tell you that? Well I do. But the thing is, despite the fact that you smiled often it was always so fake.

I was the only one that ever noticed how your eyes remained dull, despite the fact that your lips were curled up in a sign of happiness. Your eyes were like a galaxy without stars, and I wanted to see them light up. To burst into life.

I can still remember the first time I managed to light your eyes up. That was my first step towards you, and I loved it. I loved being the one who could make you truly smile. In that moment I had made a vow to always make you sincerely happy.

The strange thing is, despite the fact that I can remember that first step I took, I can't remember the rest. I didn't walk the rest of the way towards you, I run at full speed that even when I had finally reached you I didn't know it.

I was so, so oblivious wasn't I?

If you blame me for it, I won't be surprised. You knew from the very beginning that I loved you didn't you? And not in the friendly way that I thought I did. Isn't that why you stuck around?

You were always so self-assured, so patient. Too patient. Because I needed a nudge, a big neon sign pointing out that 'hey, your in love with your best friend!'. It never came though.

I debuted and you got sick.

You got so sick that I worried that maybe it was my success that made you so ill. Because we were like two opposite poles. Whenever something good happened to one of us, the other would have something bad happen to them.

I think that's our own special curse.

Because at the height of my success you left this world and my side forever.

It was strange not having you around. At that point we weren't visiting each other everyday like we used to, but we chatted frequently on our phones, and when that wasn't possible I tried my best to visit you often.

I didn't want you to feel lonely, or get scared in the hospital. You were always so tough, but needles were one of your biggest fears, and you also thought that hospitals were incredibly haunted and thus scared yourself whenever you were alone.

It was so strange waking up that day. Instinctively I knew something had happened. But I ignored it and got on with my schedules for the day. It was only when I got the phone call on my way back to the dorms that I finally realized what it was.

You had fallen into a coma and was gone only a few hours later. You never got to say bye to anyone and I never got to say bye to you.

That was it. The end of you and me. We didn't go out with a bang like I hoped, but with a quiet sizzle, like the flame of a candle going out.

You would have hated how I described it, because you didn't want to be a flame, you wanted to be a star.

In your own words, 'Once a flame goes out, that's it, nothing remains. But a star, even when it dies it still gives out light. That's what I want to be. A dying star that gives people light no matter where I am.'

I guess that means you're my star then. Shining brightly for me wherever you are.

But the thing is, I never wanted you to be a star. I just wanted you to be you. Because stars are far away, out of my reach and I wanted you to be close, right where I can touch you.

Sometimes I think I can feel your ghost. Whenever I'm sad, whenever I'm tired and whenever I want to give up, I imagine that you're here, giving me a hug. And it's like I can feel your arms wrapping around me, your warmth comforting me.

Am I finally going crazy? I hope not, I still have a lot to do. Right now I'm preparing for the debut of BSS, or Booseoksoon.

You always said that you were our number one fan, and that we should debut together. Now we are. We're all sad you're not around to see it though, but that's okay.

We've also debuted in Japan, and after that we've a lot planned out for this year. No break as usual.

I like it this way, even if you would probably say that I was over-working myself. It keeps my mind off you, and it reminds me that I still have a lot to live for.

Like my parents, the other seventeen members, our carats and even you. Because you would have wanted me to live life to fullest.

You would be happy seeing where I am now right? You would. I'm sure of it.

And as for me, I'll be waiting. Waiting for the day I get to see you again. I hope I don't forget what you look like, that's why I constantly look at your photo in my wallet, so that I won't forget you.

And when I meet you again, I'll be happy. Sincerely happy.

But until that day comes, goodbye for now my beloved star.

From the heart of Kwon Soonyoung.

P.S, I love you.

°°°

And with those final words, Hoshi folded the piece of paper into a plane, and set it off into the wind.