Escritos / Writings

Hi future self...

Well this is weird, odd.

Today, day 1, actually I dont know if they are going to be more days but uumm... yeah.

Day 1, you feel like shit, like usual I guess but you cant do anything about it or wont. I dont know is just that you yourself dont even know why, maybe now you do, now as in the future, maybe then ypu have the anwers, maybe you know but the one writing this doesnt.

I havent know shit for a while. I dont know why Im always sad, mad? Just everything but happy.

People think Im always happy, I mean, I look like a happy kid. Im a good actress. I always aanted to be an actress because you will get to play someone else and, at least for a couple of minutes, you will get out of your problems you dont even know you had.

I have come to a conclusion. I have anxiety(doctor said) but I also think I have depression. Yeah I know. You?! Really the happy girl? No, impossible. Can it? Be impossible? I mean shit then why do you even feel like writing this?

You once asked for a psycologist, you wanted to talk to someone about this reapetitive feeling. When you asked your mother (stupid, asshole, not-really-your-mother) ( not-really-your-mother because mothers care) she said "What? Why? You dont need it."
And then laughed with my sister, your sister. You believed it, "My problems arent as big, arent as important." Then why do you cry all the time in your room and why do you feel empty, broken, like something is wrong all the time?!

I talked to a friend about it today via snapchat, he said your mother's fucked up. Hes rightand when we were talking I was in the grass in school and I cried but I feel ashamed. WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU BE AFRAID OF SHOWING THAT YOU CRY? You always have been ashamed.

With my friends I cried once during a movie, for the first time and it felt good, I felt vulnerable in a good way, like I can be myself but not really because I have never been myself outside my room.