You've never felt darkness until it has cut right through you. Until the one thing that keeps you standing was drifted into the black hole of the never ending universe. I have one passion, one thing that discloses the blockage of overflowing feelings inside of me and I never wanted to lose it. I never imagined myself away from music or from the soft gentle feeling of my fingers playing a magical sound, the sound that triggers my ear drum to vibrate and my body to relax. I remember that day so clearly, when I came face to face with what I considered the end.
I lived in a city full of faces and places. My parents bought me a little shop on Ryle Street, with intentions of creating a studio for myself. It was surrounded by antique shops and cafes. I deemed it to be awkward having glass separating the room and the outside, but the room was meant to be a store just like its surrounding shops. In that case, I just coped with the idea that anyone who passes by may see me. The room was meant to give me space to live with my music and especially to carry all the instruments we didn’t have space for at home. Throughout the day, I devoted most my time on creating and playing new melodies, new stories. It was the key to my comfort. I have a song for every second of my life: happy, sad, mad, scared, lost, and in love.
"Layla you got to eat something, Dr. Bron hasn't been getting good blood results! You're levels are low. Come on sweetheart," my Mother persuaded me into eating something. I wasn't much of an eater.
"Mom I ate enough I'm going to explode soon," honestly food was the last I'd think of during the day. It's only when I'm starving when I'd ask for food myself.
She sighed, “Alright love, I'll start cleaning up." My mom was so sweet. She had blonde hair, always tied up in a bun and a soft smile no matter what. Even when my dad was gone for his business trips, she was still that bright colored dandelion.
"Mom I'm heading to my place," I alerted her and grabbed my keys. It took me about 10 minutes to get to Ryle Street. I parked my car and approached my decorated door. As I opened the door, my fingers ran first across the wall and switched on the light. How beautiful, a room reflecting my life. That day I decided to screw around with my piano until I came up with something good.
I sat on the edge of the wooden piano stool. In silence my hands lifted and pressed the keys. There was not a wave of sound. My eyes looked around for a moment from confusion. I attempted to play again and still, nothing came out.
Now my blood froze, and my mind was blank. Air was trapped in, anxious to be let out. I pressed my finger onto the key once more, checking the back of the piano if notes were playing. Silence. A sudden rush hit me. My mouth was open and my abs were contracting, yet nothing came out. My guitar slammed onto the wall, nothing. Not even a clash. It seemed as if I was in a rolling white ball. All I could hear was thought.
Suddenly, I had hands of a guy shaking me to turn around. I fell into his arms. I stared at him with tears dripping down my face. He was moving his lips but I couldn’t tell what he was trying to say. His face was just moving from one side to the other. Something was wrong. He grabbed me by the arm and took me to my piano. I knew he realized what was going on. I was trying to break free out of his possession to find what I had lost – I’m deaf. My life felt like it was slipping before my eyes. He began to play as I lost my train of thought and sobbed when I realized the one thing that kept me going was taken away from me. He wiped tears off my face and placed my hands onto the piano. The music vibrated through my body, and I could hear again. He squeezed my other hand while playing with his right. I let feeling rush through my mind, as if music had taken my soul once again.
Years have passed since that day. I’m now married to that kind stranger who kept me standing on my feet. I’m hanging on, learning sign language but it’s tough. My loss of hearing was the beginning of the end. Misery has introduced me to even deeper beauty. Love is what brought my music back, what stopped me from losing myself.
