Life Isn't Meant to be Easy it's Meant to be LIVED

Changes

It started with an admission to my, well our mother. As we were leaving the church that our brother Chris's fiance, Tori had just hosted her bridal shower at, Katie started the conversation. I knew it wouldn't go well. Regardless of me shaking my head implying DANGER, when she glanced back at me as she breached the topic. My youngest, most beloved 18 year old sister went on with her mission. She'd told me several times she was going to do it, and I'd tried to talk her out of it. She wasn't to be deterred and as such, she told our judgmental, racist, hateful, cat hoarding mother, for the third time that she was a lesbian, and that she planned on taking a girl, her freshman girlfriend, to our brother Chris's wedding.

I knew it would be bad, but I didn't think it would be as bad as it was. I expected yelling, crying, a two year old temper tantrum. Not a tornado of emotions, house destroying, end it all blow up, that it ended up being.

Mom took it hard. She accused me of talking her into being gay. At one point told me she knew why I did it, why I convinced her to be gay. I did it because I figured out that she never loved me, but she did love Katie. So to get back at her I turned her gay. Now, to a sane person in a mentally stable place, that's laughable, but at that time it was equivalent to adding gas to a fuel fire. My self hate was at an all time high.

Mom (Janie), told Katie that she was choosing to be gay and that because she chose that, she was disowning her. That Janie's whole life was about Katie, but she couldn't deal with that. She talked about the bible, and she talked about how horrible Katies's life would be if that's what she really wanted. Then she said she was done with us, the house, life. That she wasn't paying rent and it was the end of everything.

I'm not one to keep my mouth shut, especially when it comes to my narrow minded Egg Donor. Besides I'd known a long time Katie was gay, in fact it could've been when she was a kid I knew, so I tried to defend her position. It just added to the volatile situation.

Katie and I tried to walk get out of the car that was at this point still parked at the church, because mom was screaming and crying. Mom threatened us, so we stayed in the car all the way to the house. Once we were there we ran next door to Grandma's because we were pretty sure she wouldn't want witnesses to our demise, at her hands. I'm pretty sure both of us feared for our lives at that point.

Mom went to the house that Katie, Jasper, my son Lloyd III, and I shared, as Katie and I ran to safety. We stayed at Grandma's until she came over there to scream at us. We knew she would come, we just banked on her being calmer, which was not the case.

Katie and I took off without a destination in mind. Katie ask me if I wanted to go get a beer. I was like why not? It's been a hell of a day. We walked uptown New Philadelphia, where ironically we run into Tori, there at the Brewhouse. She was with her stuck up friends from her bridal shower. She pretty much ignored us as we attempted to tell her about what had just happened, and good luck going home by the way. To me it was just another person that didn't care.

Jasper was at work. I called him and the told him I needed him home. I was afraid for my life, and that the thought of facing my mother alone was too much. He came, he was on his last straw at Red Lobster any way. Drinking at work, screwing up, so Kenny told him if he leaves he's done, he left. I know he didn't leave for my sole benefit. There was the fact that he was about to be fired any way, and possibly a little friendship he felt for me. He knew I didn't ask things like I was asking, that it had to be bad. We met him and all walked back to the house.

As we approached we could hear glass breaking, and Janie talking to herself. Katie went to Grandma's, but I knew I had to face the crazy. Not only because I lived there, but also because I was 36 years old and I'll be dammit to hell if my psycho mother was going to keep me out. It wasn't the first time she'd flipped out, it probably wouldn't be the last. So I got ready for a fight, leaving my coat and purse outside, I went into the house with a be ready for anything attitude. When I got inside and saw the things she had destroyed my hear sank. Mementos of Katie and her on vacation. Board games they'd never played, food and dishes from the cupboard. As I navigated through the mess of broken memories, my heart broke, my spirit was crushed, and an overwhelming sense of loss enveloped me.