I don't know why I'm like this, I can't say I have a mental illness but what is making me feel this way? I question this all the time wondering if the answers would come to me rather than me go to the answers. I try my hardest to blow it off but it's affecting others around me. Am I that bad to where I need help? I want to be the one to fight this emotion or problem myself; I don't believe in taking medication to solve my problems. why? Because I know what they really do. Medications are temporary, they make you believe everything's alright when really the pain is hiding on the inside still.
This crosses my mind often, especially when I jump from being happy to angry to sad and feeling bad about it. Sometimes I wish I wasn't alive but then other times I dream about my future, hoping it'd be the best. Am I the only one who feels this way? I wish everyday I could stop being like this. I wasn't like this until I experienced a difficult situation that left me heartbroken and on my own. I'm not even a kid anymore, I'm a teenage girl, I should be able to solve this on my own but somehow I can't fight it. Does everyone fight with things inside their mind? And lose on top of if? So far I've lost my own battles struggling to pull myself up. It's like there's this blockage in my way that's not fading away.
I have had a rough childhood but I can't say it's the worst out of some kids or teens that have it worse than I do. When I was younger I lived with my mom moving from house to house living with her friends that I never met, things of mine getting put in storage then end up getting auctioned off because my mom never paid the storage unit on time. As I got older I started realizing certain things, for instance, my mom tried everything she could to support us but failed, and me, I never really cared, all I wanted was to feel some kind of love even if it was small.
Later on into the year my dad saw his little girl struggling so he came and I packed all my clothes an left my mom. it was hard to leave the woman that gave life to you. But I realized it was for my own good. I get to my dad's, grabbing my stuff out of his truck, walking upstairs trying to figure out where to sleep. My dad didn't have much, but he had a lot of junk that stood in the way of everything. my dad was never like this, he always cleaned up after himself, but somehow that managed to change. I unpacked my things in my brothers room because there was no room for me to stay just yet.
For about a month my brother an I shared a room but I slept on the floor while he slept in his bed. I began to clean the other room during that month because I wanted a room to myself for once. I moved everything that was in the other room and put it all downstairs in the basement. luckily there was a bed, that's all I wanted in my room was just a bed and a dresser. I wasn't like the other girls that wanted Barbies or baby dolls. I dreamt of having things like that but since I grew up around boys I played with toy cars or played baseball.
Over the past year I lived with my dad his drinking began to get worse. instead of every other week it was 3 times a week. I thought my life was perfect until my dad became really drunk one night and started yelling about how worthless my mom is and that he doesn't know why I still bother to talk to her when she's done nothing for me. even my step mom will join him and say the same because she's supported me more than my own mother has. His drinking began to double and all I kept thinking was is that all he cares about? can't he see we're happy when he's not drinking? My dad is a tall man, he's stubborn, funny, strict, and a caring person all at once.
Now that I'm older I'm starting to open my eyes more on things. I look at my parents and I tell myself "I don't want to be like them, I want to be something more". I got a lot closer with my dad and less close with my mom since I don't really see her. I learn from the best, which is my dad regardless if he's drinking and spilling out the truth, he is one man I definitely will never want out of my life. I learn to value things before they are gone, I learn to make it through tough situations and to push myself forward. I was touched by life in my own eyes.
