Chapter 1

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TRIGGER WARNING This contains talk about suicide and mental health 

Alex

     Today was the day i was gonna do it. It was all planned nothing was left to think about. Nothing was left at all. No one would miss me. I'm just a hidden person hiding behind a fake face. A fake smile. Fake everything. My parents are to busy to even notice anything. No one will ever understand me. There is no one willing to try. It started years ago. Everything started going downhill. My anxiety first started in 4th grade. My family was going through hell and i was scared. I started missing a lot of school because everything I've ever known was gone. 

       Now its all different. My family has always suffered from depression but I've never known how bad it was.  Now i do.  My life is changing. It's a mixture of so much. One of the hardest things in my life at the moment is my identity. After i met this one girl so much changed. I became a part of the LGBTQ+ community. Sometimes i wish i had never met her though. Now  i struggle with my sexuality but what's more difficult for me is gender identity. 

    Growing up i was always super feminine. I loved dresses and almost never wore anything else. I never owned a pair of jeans until the 6th grade. After meeting Gaby i knew more about different sexualities and genders. I realized i loved feeling more masculine some days and other feminine. I never know what i should call myself. Sometimes i feel like thinking I'm nonbinary, sometimes genderfluid, and more recently transgender. Although i sometimes wear dresses and really like makeup i always get super happy if anyone refers to me with he/him pronouns.

   That all doesn't matter anymore. Nothing does. What's done is done and no one will be able to stop me. After school I'm gonna be gone and no one is gonna feel sorry for me. 

I stop writing in my journal and get ready for my last day. It is also the first day of highschool. New people to hate me. Or just more that will ignore me. None will care if i show up again. No one will probably notice. Although its the end of summer, I put on a long sleeved shirt and jeans to hide the scars covering my skin. I don't want anyone asking questions.  Either way there is more to come. I leave the blades on the bathroom counter ready for later. No one goes in there. Who knows how long it would take anyone to find my body. 

I look at my school schedule at my first class. History.  I sit next to this cute girl with short dark hair. I can tell she's different from others. I figure out her name's Ciera. History ends and I go in the direction of English. Ciera is right in front of me and ends up in front of Mr. Paulson's classroom. She's also in this class with me. I sit down first and she follows beside me. She picks a seat next to me and starts talking to me. 

"Hey we have 2 classes together. Isn't that pretty cool. Everyone else are complete idiots maybe we can block out the ignorance if we stick together?" 

"Uh, yeah that would be cool. So... what are your other classes?"

She is actually talking to me. Out of everyone she chooses me. Why? I manage to get out a few words before i feel my cheeks getting red and i start to blush. I hope she doesn't notice.

We both pull out our schedules before English officially starts and they are almost completely identical except for our activities.

"Your'e in the choir?" I say partly laughing.

"Of course! Why are you Jealous?" She almost sings out as she completes her sentence. 

"Obviously I'm not jealous ," I tilt my head while continuing talking in a slightly sarcastic tone. "Maybe i just wanna know how good you are." 

"It'll take a little more than that to hear i professional like me." At this point we are both laughing. 

 At the end of the day we split of and i head home. Maybe there is more in this life for me. I go to the bathroom and look at the blades on the counter. i quickly pick them up and toss them into the waste bin i have under the sink. 

Maybe I'll give life another chance.


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