Looking back I never thought I'd be in this situation. I don't know if I actually want to be here anymore, I'm questioning my will to keep on.
The pain of these last 4 months has been unimaginable. When your body decides that your future isn't ready for you or that you aren't ready for your future and it rips the life from your womb..... the pain is unbearable. The point of sobbing turns into hyperventilation and near silent tears.
The ability to make it through is up to me and me alone, with support but damn...... I'm tired, im hurting and I don't want to eat. This thing is still inside me, its heart isn't beating but my body hasn't decided to let go. When do you as a mother of 2 dead children decide its time?
I never thought that I would be the one to have problems having babies, but who ever does? It's hard back to back loss of life that began inside you to be there one day and suddenly gone the next. Learning to love yourself and accept the waves of pain, through the loss and feeling that it's your fault even when it isn't is the hardest thing I will ever have to do.
Remembering my children will never be the problem. Handling the grief when I explain to my children that live after this, about their siblings that didn't make it and why some days are worse than others will be.
