He took the midnight train

Chapter 4

Today I lit a candle on top of a little cupcake with blue frosting and blew it out soon after. "Happy four month birthday little guy." I whispered into the wind.

I hope he's safe wherever he is.

I hope he isn't sitting in some orphanage somewhere.

I hope he has a great family who will give him the world.

I held back tears as I let this familiar liquid in my hand drown out my thoughts. It's 10 am. I wonder how the other guys are taking all of this? I haven't spoken much to them these long, lonely days. As for One Direction? That's just a memory in the past. A memory I wish I never had.

My mum suggested I see a therapist last week because of my lack of emotion lately. Lack of emotion? I have so many different "emotions" threatening to be seen that I try and control it the only way I know how, to drink. I drink until I can no longer remember his name, his voice, his laugh. I drink until I am someone else, someone I sometimes wish I could be.

"Hello Mr. Styles, how are you feeling today?" Dr. Russell asked me as I sat in the uncomfortable, fake leather, terrible excuse for a chair. Yes, I made an appointment to see a therapist. What was I supposed to do, it was my mum.

"If I'm just paying you to point out the obvious, we might as well not waste each other's time." I stated bluntly. I knew how this was going to go. She was going to tell me why I'm like this, as if I don't know. As if I'm some stranger looking in trying to figure things out in a mans life. She's going to try and "help me." I don't believe I can be helped.

"Mr. Styles, I was warned that you may not want to talk to me today, so I have invited a few people who are going through very similar situations as your own." She spoke to me as if I was a small child. It made me sick.

The door opened and in came three faces I know all too well. Zayn, Niall, and Liam. I was wrong, this made me sick.

"What the hell are they doing here?" I spit my words out harshly.

I looked at each one of them. They looked fine. It disgusted me. The fake smiles pasted to their clean faces, their clothes so nice and neat. Liam was the first to sit down near me, eyeing me with caution.

"Hey mate." He spoke quietly. The other boys followed, sitting around in the circle of chairs I had failed to notice earlier.

"I'm leaving." I spoke directly to Dr. Russell. "If they're here, I'm leaving." With that, I grabbed my jacket and stormed out, hearing sighs behind me.

I don't want to talk to them. Not now, maybe not ever. I don't want to remember that part of my life. I keep getting calls from management. They are trying to force us into a new tour, since we are still under contract. Isn't that sick? They leave me message, after message, threatening legal action if I don't comply. What else can they take from me? My money? They can have it, every last bit. They already took my mind, my heart.

I drive to a local bar here in London, nearly killing myself in the process. My mind is so messed up lately that the simplest tasks take so much energy and concentration. Maybe it's just the alcohol I had for breakfast.

I walk in, hoping to drink my self to oblivion but there was too many people there. Too many people that turned their heads slowly toward me, eyes staring into me. I continue up to the bartender, head low, avoiding all eye contact.

"Hey, aren't you that One Direction kid?" I hear from next to me. I squeeze my eyes shut and try and push out all the thoughts pouring into my mind.

"I get that a lot. No, I'm not." I stated as the bartender handed me my drink.

"It's a shame what happened to them." The man said as he took a sip of his fruity looking drink.

I downed the rest of what was in my glass and stormed out without another word. The sky above was looking much like my mind, grey and dark. I knew it was about to begin pouring at any minute but I was far past the point of caring.

The amount of alcohol in my system was beginning to catch up to me and finally, for the first time in days, my mind was being set free.