BTS TEXTS

problems

I feel really stressed these days, i can't sleep properly, i don't even feel like eating and i don't feel like talking to people at all. My parents want me to tell them what problems i am having and if i need support they will support. Actually that is what my dad said not my mom. My dad will understand me and support me, i know that for sure. But my mom won't, she thinks that i don't have any problems, i don't get stressed, i can't go into depression and also that i am just a cold person. I have actually become less sensitive over the past few years but that does not mean that i have lost all of my emotions. My mom thinks that the words she says to me do not affect me but they do. Today my mom was like eat your breakfast and then i need to talk to you. I thought that i will open up to her, tell her that i do get stressed and i am facing many problems but she didn't really talk to me later so i could not tell her anything. A few days ago when i opened up to one of my friends, i think on friday, i almost cried during class. I can't even control my emotions anymore. It was like the second last period and during the last period i held it all in. After school i said to my friends that i need to go to the washroom, they didn't know the reason (well now you know momina). I cried in there for like a while, and got out after like 5 mins cuz i didn't want them asking me from the outside if everything is okay. Later i couldn't really smile at my friends jokes and all, i just sat with them emotionless, and when i was about to leave one of my friends cracked a joke after calling my name and even though it was our inside joke, and i usually laughed on it, i didn't laugh and i just ignored her. Sorreh momina <3. My mom didn't really noticemy mood all day, if it was my sister she would've been like what happened to you? or is everything okay? My mother cares for my sister a lot, even if i get stressed, she doesn't really seem to care but if my sister does, she is there to support her. My mom always compares me to her. A few days ago my sister was having some problems with her friends, my mom did everything she  could but when i was facing the same problem, she just laughed it all off. During my mid-terms my elder brother said a lot of things to me that hurt me. He said stuff like, youre just a burden to our family and also stuff like dad is going to die because of you, i started crying that time and i was literally shaking and he thought i was angry so he said things that hurt me again and again. When my mom came home she didn't even realize that i was crying,my sister did, she told my mom and then my mom came to me and i told her everything. My mom said she will scold him, but guess what, when i went to wash my face, i could hear them talking and laughing, she didn't scold him. A few days later the same thing happened except for the part my mom coming to me and me telling her. I held it all in. I haven't been able to score   well ever since that incident, my parents started pressurising me, they threatened me, even though i'm so close to my dad, he still doesn't know about the brother incident. I can't even write now.

Whoever read this all, i am really greatful. Sorry for just posting it all here instead of chapters. I'll come back as soon as possible i promise you guys. Hope that i don't go into depression. 

I love you all a lot and thank you for supporting me so much, i may seem happy-happy while replying to comments on the chapters and replying your messages on instagram but i'm not sorry, i do have fun talking to you guys, reading your comments, but i guess i don't deserve to be happy. I'll see you all soon. Bye.

-Washma