Jebs Journal

its all just gonna be a tangent

04/08/18
Im doing a rebranding, im jeb now. UnCapitalized or Capitalized whatever works its not worth the time to go back and change it if you get it wrong honestly. The personal rebranding is long over due. People saw the old non jeb version of me as a total dick bag. Now hopefully theyll forget the fact im the same old monster.
I know more awful things about myself than i let any "one" person know what i do that im ashamed of. I usually go abouy confessing my wrong doings by telling a few different people different parts of the story. That way no one person knows the full extent of my trash morality. That being said in recent years ive got some nice friends and confidantes who ive been able to throw some of my fears and self hatred at and get some reassurance that im not as bad as i think i am.

Thats not my problem now, self hatred was my highschool explanation of why i was semi sucidal. Im not suicidal now just sorta wanna die sometimes. I like myself more or less now and i mostly accepted myself for who i am. But my problems now a days come from a mix of dread that ill just stay in the same place in my life forever being out of reach of all my goals, and just a persistent feeling of lonelyness that seems last even when im not single.

But i dont hate myself, not entirely. I have regrets of my actions in the past and i hate things that I've done. We all have a perfect route in our head of the best choices we could've made. I couldve been less of a whore. Or more of a whore and less awkward. I could've avoided pointless people.
I hold grudges from ages ago. I had a really bad habit for putting people on my shit list for life if like one of my inner circle of friends had a problem with someone. I didnt need proof or anyone doing anything to me at all. They were dead to me. Same thing if they tried to talk to someone i wanted to date. I was one of those awful possesive people to people who didnt want anything remotely romantic to do with me. Not a good attitude at all. I held attachments to people for ages. It got me into some bad places mentally.

I wish i had came out sooner. I mightve had a better chance at a highschool sweet heart or something corny like that. I think i was just unsure of myself or was afraid my straight best friend would be akward about it and ditch me. Back then i needed him to stay alive the only times i caught myself crying was when i got him mad at myself and he didnt want to talk to me. It ever last that long thankfully. If it haf and i just managed to make him hate me forever back then i wouldve just killed myself. But he was nice and just moved in with me after highschool so i had to support him and his brother for a while and hate/love him until he moved. Mostly his brother i guess i never could trust him. He was nice mostly but he was a control freak and he yelled at me once in my own house. That got him on my shit list for life unfortunately.  Well sorta i got this cool jacket from him so he's not completely awful. And like one time he helped out a friend of mine he barley knew personally. He got macho sometimes and it was nice. And like he was amazing to drink with. Ive talked myself into loving him.
Sorry cody.

Right okay. Heres some nontangential shit
Todays goals
1.fix sleep schedule
2.get some smokes
3.smoke too often and save zero cigarettes for future jeb