Don't make me say bye - on hiatus

Don't Make Me Say Bye

Hey you,

                 I know we already talked about this. You don't love me, you've made it clear. But I still want to try because no matter what I do to try and forget about you it doesn't work. Damnit that sounds cliche and I hate that. I love you. I think about you all the time and it's so hard to accept that you don't want to be with me because things were going so well. You just couldn't see that. You couldn't see that I was happier then ever before. You couldn't see the smile on your face when you saw me. I know it sounds selfish but I need you. More than you think I do. I don't just need you as a friend. You took my first kiss so you're automatically much more than a friend to me. I love you. I want to scream it at you but my friends told me to wait and let you say it first. But you said you don't feel the same way. You said you ended things because you didn't want me to get hurt by what other people would say about us being together if we got found out, but what you didn't know was that you hurt me so much more than anything they could've said. You told me you didn't want me to cry myself to sleep or to be depressed about what people said or how they treated me. But I am depressed and I do cry myself to sleep because you aren't there. You aren't here anymore with me. I feel like a bother when I text you. I'm just your annoying clingy ex-girlfriend that won't leave you the fuck alone. And maybe that's just who I am. Some clingy bitch who needs a boy to make her happy. But right now I don't need any boy. I couldn't just go find some rebound and be okay, in fact that would make me feel worse. I begged you to stay. I've never, ever begged for a guy to stay. But I sat on my mattress clinging my phone and pillow with tears pouring out my eyes and all I wanted to type was "stay with me, I need you, please don't leave me." I said something like that I guess. But I didn't convince you, you still left. I'm still alone and you still seem happy. I'm broken and you're smiling. I don't want to make you feel like shit and I don't want to make you mad. But you made me feel so small and helpless. I've never had a guy like you. I've never wanted a guy like you. You're mysterious and you're funny and you chase after guys and girls the same way when you're messing around with them. You're sweet and sometimes you let your emotions show. But you won't open up to me anymore. You shut the door. I want to talk to you, I want to see you, hell I want to kiss you. I still want to be yours. I hurt so fucking much. You hurt me so much. But you said that's not what you wanted. You still want to be friends but I hate that fucking word. I don't want to be friends. I want you to hold me and tell me that everything is gonna be okay and hug me and never let me go. I want nothing but to be in your arms. I am so scared out in the world by myself. I don't have many friends and some of the ones I do have aren't great friends to me. I told you that. You didn't care you left anyways. I know I am not entirely alone but with you not there it's hard to feel like I can trust anyone. I can't trust anyone as much as I trust you. As much as I want to leave you behind and run away because of how bad you hurt me I can't because I love you. But every time I try to talk we do for a few minutes, maybe for a little longer but then its "I gtg finish homework," or "I'm about to go to sleep," or "I'll ttyl," and you make me say bye. You make me say the last thing I've ever ever ever wanted to say to you and that's bye. Please, please don't do that to me anymore. Don't make me say bye.

I love you,

E