I walk along the side train tracks until i'm forced to walk on them. The ground drops away until I'm suspended above a rushing river, secure on the steel structure of the bridge. I walk until I'm almost in the middle. I stop because the wind is picking up and making it harder to balance, so I sit down. The voices in my head are screaming to be let out. But I can't let them out until. I'm off the bridge. They might persuade me to do something that I can't do right now. Too many people would miss me. Too many people would suffer because of me. Too many people would get hurt. That's why I never told North in the first place. I didn't want to hurt him. I didn't want him to suffer because of me. It's worse now that he's gone. He was ninety percent of my self control.
"You should have told him." No. Go away. I don't want to talk to you. "That's too bad, I'm here to stay." Get out. "No."
I stand up abruptly, almost losing my balance.
"Yes. Jump." No. I can't. I would hurt too many people. I can't do that to them.
"But what about you? Do you really want to live like this? Full of pain? No. I want to be happy. "You? Happy? No one like you deserves to be happy. You lie to people who you 'Love'. No I don't. He never asked. That's not the same as lying. "Don't you remember? All the, 'Are you okay''s? Your answer? I'm fine. It doesn't matter. That's right. You. Don't. Matter. You never did. That's the real reason he didn't want you. He saw how Worthless you were."
No. I just didn't go places with large amounts of people. Or answer my phone very often. That was it.
I start to walk back, my arms out for balance. The wind is howling as I step off the tracks and back onto the ground. I walk to the woods surrounding the tracks. The voices in my head are screaming to be heard. I stumble over the rough ground and fall to my knees. I try to get back up but instead fall back to the ground. My breathing quickens. No. Not here. I can't do this here. I need to get back to my blue jeep. I need to go home.
"But you also need to hurt yourself. You also need to die."
"No," My voice is barely above a whisper. "People need me."
"No they don't They need the idea of you. They need the girl you show them. The one who hides from everybody. The one who runs away from everything."
"I don't run. And I hide so nobody worries." Tears are running down my face and I can hardly breath. I try to stand up, but I fall again.
"Then why didn't you ever tell him? Huh? You didn't want him to worry? He worried anyway. He just didn't tell you. You might have known if you ever looked at him.Or is the ground really that interesting?" The voice taunts me.
"Shut up." I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to block out the noise.
"Sorry, Sweetheart. I'm here to stay."
"No, you're not. This is my life."
"Then hurt yourself again. Make me go away. Put pain before your thoughts."
"But I promised I would stop."
"You already broke that promise." I pull out my razor blade and make one cut down the length of my arm. It stings, but i'm used to it. It almost immediately starts to bleed. "Good. Now the other arm." I obey. When I try to stand up, I don't fall this time. I start to walk back to my jeep and get it. The blood is running down my arms but it's too late to do anything. I reach for my phone and dial Quentin's number. He picks up on the first ring,
"Hey Im."
"Help. Train tracks. Please," my voice shakes as I barely manage a whisper.
"What did you do?" He asks me, worry in his voice. "Imogen. Don't close your eyes. Stay awake. I'm calling an ambulance, but you need to stay awake. I can't help you if you don't stay awake." His voice fades out and my vision becomes blurry. I fight to stay away, but the darkness is much too inviting and I give in to it.
