My Emotions

Why

Why can't I just be fucking happy for once? I miss my old friends. Where there wasn't drama surrounding me 24/7. I wish I would have realized that at the time. Instead I fucked myself over in the long run and now here I am upset as always. And I feel like I can't feel this way. Nobody can know. Nobody can know I stay up till 2am drowning myself in old memories, wishing it was 2015, 2014, hell even 2013 all over again. I was HAPPY. I didn't have a worry in the world. I wanna go back to middle school. Where I had a bunch of friends helping me and being there for me and just doing stuff. All through elementary and middle school I was hanging out with friends every weekend and now I have 1 friend I hang out with. Why is it like this? Idk. Why can't it be how it was before? Idk. I don't wanna beg to be accepted in anyway shape or form, but I also want to be happy. I want to be less depressed, less anxious, less tired. Less done with life. I wanna feel less stuck. Less lost. I wanna have somewhere to turn. No matter what turn I take it's the wrong one leading me further and further down. I feel like nobody understands that I'm trying my hardest. I just get laughed at. I want to be happy. I don't want to just go through my final teenage years like this. I wish I could start over. New school, new friends, new life. Or maybe even turn back time to when I was happy and change the bad decisions I must have made along the way. I wish I tried harder to talk to people. But my anxiety got in the way. I was worried of being annoying, or being judged. I still am. I shouldn't be. I shouldn't be 17 and taking 2 anxiety medicines daily. I shouldn't be up at 2 in the morning dreading school tomorrow because I'm gonna be tired from overthinking. I shouldn't be dreading school because of some of my friends. I should be happy to see them. But the drama the stems along from some of them just makes it hard. I don't want to hate my friends, I don't hate my friends. I love them. But I just can't stop thinking of how much different and possibly better my life would be right now if things were different. How HAPPY I could be. How happy I should be. But instead here I am, at 2:30 in the morning, spilling out my feelings into a little Wattpad book filled with feelings and thoughts that nobody cares about enough to read. I don't think I want many reads on this. I mainly want to form into words how I'm feeling. Write it down. Get it out. I just can't stop thinking of the friends I was most happy with. It wouldn't be the same now tho. I already messed that up. And if anybody ever reads this, this would probably mess things up too for god sakes. But the people I was happy with in 6th grade, I'm not necessarily happy with anymore. Not all of them, but things have changed with some. I wish I could have continued to be happy and never developed mental disorders. Anxiety, depression, paranoia. It never ends. I just wish, for one day, I could be happy. With NO worries and NO stress. Nothing to worry about other than my happiness.