demons

v

two months ago

she's distant. but still here. 

she drags me to the sofa, the summer breeze coming in through the windows, disaplacing my hair and sending estelle's cascading round her head. 

'come cuddle with me' she whines, her hands on my shoulders, then my arms and then in my hair. 

i smile into her kiss. 

the tangerine sun warming the side of my face as we fall onto the sofa. she laughs, throwing her head back and i smile wider, her laughter filling the apartment with a tangible energy and excitement. 

she intertwined her fingers with mine and we just lay there, side by side on the sofa, looking up at the cracked ceiling, her fingers tracing patterns in my hand, and i swear i fell into her eyes everytime she looked at me. 

'finn, there's-god why is this so hard to say?' she said, but her voice was choked and my heart was beating faster than it was a second ago. i frowned, wondering what she was going to say, thoughts of the worst things flooding my head, filling it until it felt like heavy concrete and i had trouble breathing. 

she got up, bare feet on the wooden floor, pacing. 

'what's wrong? what's going on estelle?' i questioned, and i couldn't hide the panic in my voice. 

she looked at me, her eyes catching mine briefly before she disappeared out the window that led to the ladder to the roof. 

i ran after her, ducking under the window. 

she was there, on the concrete roof, pacing back and forth, her hands in her hair, running through them, before she dragged one down her face and left the other one to fall onto her hip. 

'stell, what's the matter?' i asked again. 

i took her hands in mine, coaxing her eyes up to look in mine. 

'i-i l-' she was stuttering through her sentences. 

'baby, whatever it is you can tell me.' 

'i love you, finn. i shouldn't, i can't, but i do.' tears filled her eyes as she let the words tumble out of her mouth and i sighed in relief because the things that i had been conjuring up in my head had been so much worse than her telling me something that i thought i already knew. 

i chuckled slightly, and she hit me, 'don't laugh finn! it's not funny.' 

i shook my head, 'no, i'm not laughing at that, i thought you were going to tell me you were leaving or that you didn't want to be with me anymore.' i explained.

she smiled like the sunset on the horizon, cupping my face with her right hand, the friendship bracelet on her wrist sliding down, the humid breeze picking up her hair. 

'i would never leave you.' she whispered, bringing my face down to hers, kissing my softly and then resting her head on my chest as i swayed us slowly, trying to grasp a tune from the carnival music that drifted in the air with the smell of salt and suntan lotion. 

i kissed the top of her head, and rest my chin there, 'estelle?' 

she hummed in response, spelling out her name with her index finger on my arm. 

'i love you too.' 

she pulled back, her eyes vulnerable and begging, ready to seek out some kind of lie behind mine. 

'really?' she asked, her voice so soft i almost couldn't hear it. 

'yes' i nodded smiling widely, and she squealed and jumped into my arms, i laughed and span us round on the rooftop and she screamed in delight and we watched the sun set into the sea, setting it aflame, and we talked until the moon was high above our heads and she told me about the constellations in the sky, about the greek myths surrounding them and about how they shout to her but she can only hear them vaguely. 

and we didn't stop touching each other, hands on hands, fingertips on fingertips, legs tangled, hands in hair, arms round waists, foreheads touching foreheads until there was no way to tell where i ended and she began.

because we knew that this was going to be frowned upon, that we weren't meant to love each other, but at this moment in time we didn't care. we knew what love was and this was it. and we would fight until there was nothing to fight for.

because as we lay in my bed, tangled in the sheets, sweat mixing in the humidity, a bubbling happiness shared between us, she took my hand in hers and kissed my shoulder before whispering in my ear, 'nothing can take this away from us. nothing and no one can stop me from loving you.' 

i turned my head to face her, our noses touching, i smiled, then brought my hand up to touch her lips, the rose colour so vivid and vibrant in them.

i kissed her for the hundredth time that night, her lips soft and she bit my lower lip gently, and it felt like the room was slowing down, like the earth was slowing down, like we were the only people left in this world and this was what the earth was made for. 

that everything that had ever happened had led up to this moment, to this kiss. and it was in that moment that i realised i didn't want to kiss anyone else in the world, because it felt like the star that i had been born from was alive inside me and estelle glowed like the north star, and i loved her so much for it. 

i pulled away and she pouted leaving me to let out a laugh. 

i nuzzled my face into her neck, leaving a trail of kissed up from her shoulder, to her neck, to her jawline. 

'i never want to kiss anyone else except you.' i whispered, 'because i will never love anyone else except you.' i left a quiet kiss on her mouth, not wanting to disturb the silence of the room. 

'never is a very long time.' she whispered back.

i nodded, 'i know. but i will never stop loving you, no matter where you go, no matter what happens, i will always love you.' i whispered back.

her eyes bright and blazing in the room, 'promise?' she asked, her voice cracking.

'promise.' i replied, taking her pinky in mine and linking them, before kissing the tip of her finger and then kissing her again.

and we lay there, the night sky emitting this static darkness that filled the room, but it comforted me and i basked in it. 

'there's these things called north stars. not like the one in the sky. north stars are the people that you can't live without. they're the people that you would feel empty without.' she turned on her side to face me and i smiled mirroring her. 'they're the people who feel like home.' 

i didn't reply, i just intertwined our hands, stunned by the girl who lay in front of me. her whole face was glowing, her cheeks flushed and her hair messy. but the moon came in through the window and it bathed her in moonlight that made the stars in her hair shine and the freckles on her face glittered. 

'finn,' she paused, 'you're my north star.'