Sometimes I just want to die, maybe cry, but I can't help but deny that sometimes I just can't feel. Sitting here writing this story, hoping it'll trigger some emotions other than complete despair. As I compare every inch of skin I have on my body, I know I'll never be as good as everyone else. I can't even pretend to smile, because I'd have to show my terrible teeth. Day after day, I learn new ways to change myself. To become a prettier person. Caking on foundation, drenching my eyelashes in mascara, scorching my hair with an iron until society says it's straight enough. I can't even tell it's me, good. That's what I wanted. Through out the day comments Flood my mind, never finding their way out." No one cares," "why is it here?" "Why do you wear so much makeup" "stop screaming for attention, it's annoying." "Shut up, no one cares." "Who invited you?!" "Whore." "Fat, ugly.". Walking with people who treat you like shit, just so you don't look like that girl no one likes. Going against all the values you thought you had, just to fit in. Because in the end, it's all about how pretty and popular you are. Because if you're popular you will succeed in life. After another terrible day, you're happy to finally be with your only friend, razor. Walking out of the bathroom, smiling to yourself as the stinging sensation comforts you, you realize that you are no longer the girl you were two years ago. Because that girl didn't give a shit about her fucking hair! Or how long her damn eyelashes were. Or the mere fact that she had no goddamn friends. So you sit with your family hoping the cuts would stop dripping, maybe, just maybe they'll care today. But dads not home again, and mums got the wind bottle out. Shakily pouring down more and more, she starts crying. You ignore it, because in reality you can't handle your own feelings let alone hers. When dad comes home finally, they hug, and she sobs. After what seems like hours of talking, you think it's over. But no your own mothers talking about you again. Why? Cause you are a fattass, good for nothing freak. As your mother howls, you roll your eyes. The hate she and your sister threw at you has finally impacted you, because now, you are finally full of hate yourself...those fat shaming comments your father threw at you, they've impacted you too, because now your fucking scared of goddamn food. Food for god sake, every time you eat you hate yourself a little bit more don't even pretend that's not true.
