Blog and diary

Diary #1

    I have always wondered what it was like to have a normal family, with a mom, dad, brother or sister who is actually related to you. I know that I have a mom and dad and brothers and sisters but the only one I have left that is actually related to me is my brother... Can you imagine what it feels like to receive a letter from your biological mother and she doesn't even know how to spell your name... I hate my biological family and I'm not afraid to admit it. When I was a kid I thought that seeing my biological family was amazing and it could never be better than that...but I'm older now...the thought that if I were born in a different life than this one, then there could have been a possibility that I would have had a normal family. Then there is the possibility that if I were to even have children in the future...my son or daughter could end up being born needing major medical treatment...since it's passed down by my father's side of the family, my son would have a higher percentage of having it...I know this because my brother was born that way. Here's another thing, my (biological) family has lied to me, mentally hurt me, they broke my bond of trust with them and now they still expect me to be all over them with love and care as I if still consider them my family. For one I do not consider them my family anymore, two there are only 4 people that are my biological family that I still talk to and I do not hate. But I have to admit it, whenever I hang out with those 4 people it's just really awkward and I feel like I don't know them at all as if they were strangers, it's probably because they are my "biological family" that makes things awkward and stuff but I don't think I'll ever get past those feelings. Here's something unrelated to the topic that I have been talking about, I want to get off my chest but I'm not exactly sure how to say it...I haven't told my parents (my current parents) this yet and I'm not sure how to tell them but it has been more than 4 years that I have had depression...I feel sorry for all the people who have tried to be a part of my life and ended up leaving me because of how I act or how I feel... my feelings have recently been broken once again by an Ex.. I've given up so many times like I have now, I've given up on trying to find other people to make me happy..I've given up on trying to be happy. I just want everyone to know that my depression isn't something that will kill me. It is just something that makes me fell like I'm a Bug compared to other humans...sanity probably plays another role in this but I'm not sure.. if leavening this off here.. I'll write again when I have an idea to write about...for now bye.