My breathing began to come out in fast pants, as I struggled to get air into my lungs. I had wanted this, hadn't I?
My vision suddenly became blurry as tears filled my eyes. All of the blood circulating my veins became cold sludge making my arms and legs feel heavy.
Thirty seconds of panicking.
Then my heart filled with emotion, with happiness, as I let out giggles that soon became laughter. Tears leaving a slick trail of wetness down my cheeks, reaching my lips and leaving a salty taste on my tongue.
I took a deep steadying breath as I picked up the positive pregnancy test from the edge of the bathroom sink.
Alone. I would be doing this without a partner. Something inside me hardened, in preparation of the strength I'd need to summon to be able to raise my baby without its father.
Another deep breath, I looked into my reflection in the mirror above the sink. My free hand curling into a fist at the sudden anger I felt for getting into this situation. Doubt settling in my mind at the insecurity of being a good mother.
Flashback
"So I hear you're dating now" I said with a lightness to my voice masking the hurt.
"Where'd you hear that?" He replied with a smirk and shine in his eyes.
"Around, you know people talk. Is it true?" I couldn't stop myself from hoping I was wrong. I needed more time with him, for us.
"So what if it is?" He smiled bigger as he slowly made his way to me. I could feel his cologne cocooning me, making it harder to stand or for me to resist him. His warm hands traveled from my forearms until they snaked around me, hugging me close to him. I tried, I really did, to keep my head up but eventually laid my head on his shoulder. He was hurting me and he knew it, providing comfort that only tore me up inside. I knew what his embrace felt like. Warm, safe, like he was the only keeping me grounded, and I didn't want to loose that. I couldn't stand it! I couldn't stay in his arms without feeling what I felt.
"We could still see each other", he whispered in my ear. Gently I pushed him away from me. I tried giving him a weak smile and looked down to keep my eyes from showing him the love and hurt I felt in the moment.
"No, we can't do that. You can't do that. Treat her right, be happy with her. You deserve to be happy" I couldn't make him happy? For weeks we had been playing a cat and mouse game. Always flirting, always joking, waiting for the time one of us would surrender to the other and make a move. I wasn't enough, I wasn't what he wanted.
End of flash back.
That was the first time I walked away from him. Or maybe he walked away from what could have been us.
Back then I thought he wasn't the one, but I wanted to keep seeing him and find out if he could be.
He made me feel something different, something I hadn't experienced with anyone.
He made me feel like I didn't have to hide any part of myself. I could make jokes without him being offended by what some would consider sensitive and non joking matters.
I could laugh, really laugh, the kind of laugh that came from deep down in my belly and at the end I would find him staring at me with this huge smile and he'd wait for me to finish and he'd laugh a little then too.
The smile that made his eyes shine with something I couldn't place my finger on. I thought it was love, or at least I had hoped it was. Things have a way of not working in my favor. Matteo.
Over the years his memory had faded even if there were days where he came back to me. What if? I always asked myself, what if? What if he did feel something towards me? What if he found someone else because I was cold? What if I pushed him away from me? And then what would I do if we crossed paths again? What if we got a second chance at us?
I spaced out staring at the memories reflected in my eyes. Slowly coming out of my trance I wrapped my test in toilet paper and threw it in the waste basket.
A bitter taste in my mouth. How could I have ever wanted a second chance with Matteo? What kind of stupid puppy love blinded me? The only thing that came out of running into him was an unexpected pregnancy.
I would tell him... it was the correct thing to do. I had to tell him right?
He didn't want me, that was his choice. His baby, our baby, was a different choice to make. Although I was convinced he wouldn't want to be a father, I needed to let him make that choice for himself.
I walked back into my room and towards my closet. My body on autopilot while my mind raced through different scenarios of everything that could happen in response to the choices i would be making. My fingers twirling the piece of moonstone wrapped with rose gold wire at the end of my necklace.
Starring at my clothes I picked a black long bell sleeve top, with a babydoll body. This would still look nice once I was showing,I thought happily, I wouldn't have to get rid of all my clothes. My pants on the other hand would feel tight in a few months, maybe just a couple of weeks. I grabbed a white skinny pair, with distressing around the thighs and calves. I slipped my feet into a pair of black suede booties with no heel to complete my outfit.
I drove to work with an angel and devil sitting on either shoulder going back and forth with reasons why I should or shouldn't tell Matteo about the baby.
I was parking in a slot when I realized I had gotten to work without paying much attention to the road. I opened the door to a local mom and pop Italian restaurant, where I worked as a waitress. I went into the back room where the employee lockers were kept to grab my name tag and apron while telling myself that for the next few hours I had to put my situation on the back burner and focus on making each costumer feel happy. I was counting on saving up all my tips now more than ever.
YOU ARE READING
Unlove You
RomanceEveryone always said becoming a mother wouldn't be easy... everyone was right. No one prepared me for how truly life changing and difficult it would be. And things are just about to get more complicated.