My Fifteen Years

Melancholic Side Of Me

In other words, "My Depression".. Yes, I am a depressed individual. Others can't tell that I am because they always thought I was optimistic at things. NO! That's one thing that you don't know about me. I am pressimistic. I always look back at the past. No matter how you bother to tell me, "You have to move on." I don't. But there's an exception for letting-go-of-someone-derr-rrr.. xD I have to let a person go like you know.. relatives who passed away...

I have depression ever since I was in kindergarten. I started having them when my seatmate in Kinder I was bullying me of how I have two fangs that made me look like a vampire, calling me vampire names like 'Dracula' or 'Aswang' in our native language. It hurt me a lot because I take things too deeply. When someone does/says something that insults me, I'm like "What did I do wrong?" "What's wrong with me?" "Am I that invisible to others eyes?"

Everyday, I try to make myself feel happy and forget anything negative about me for even just in a few hours.. My classmates and schoolmates probably have no idea that in every person I speak with, I observe of how they can be open to me. Through that kind of observation, I could tell that I was social enough for my personality and how they treat me as a person. Of course, I try to improve, try to lessen my depression.

While on every night, I try remembering happy memories before I go to sleep but instead of recalling my happiness, I could only recall the saddest times like bullying, cutting (I have tried cutting once ONLY! To my family, it wasn't much of a big deal.. It just looked like scratches before. Please do not even get panic with what I have done, BE OPTIMISTIC PEOPLE, MOVE ON! XD) ... times when I suddenly get mad at things for no reason. (<--- this will be explained in the next chapters, you'll know later.) ... times when I've been rejected, excluded, unwanted, the feeling like they don't even care I lived. The last one is too deep, I swear!

Oh my goodness! Sharing this problem is soo soooo very hard for me. GAAASH!!! Uhmm.. Well up until now, I still feel less important. Like yeah, I do know I give off carbon dioxide for plants and that's being important. Pft. I meant... Important for a person. That I have a reason to live because someone needs me sorta thing.. I am still looking for the friend that I don't know... whom I'm sure I will forever be accepted of who I am, one that could give me space, give myself an 'alone time', one who understands, not at all annoying and noisy.. coz I'm introverted.

I DO HAVE FRIENDS THO.

AHHHHG!! Stupid tears! Why do you have to flow down now??!! ARGH. PHOOO!! Okaaaay.....So right now, I don't consider cutting because it's bad for my physical health. I even have phobia for sharp objects remember? Yes.. This was one of its reasons.. -sighs- Well, I have thought of running away from home and *WARNING: RATED SPG. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO READ IF YOU'RE AGE IS BELOW 13. SKIP TO THE NEXT PARAGRAPH IMMEDIATELY EXCLUDING THE LYRICS* ...............commit suicide. I seriously did thought of doing it. But Demi Lovato's song, "Never Been Hurt" made me stop because of it's lyrics,

"Felt picture perfect
On and off a shelf to a broken friend of mine
A broken friend of mine
It comes back and haunts me
A bully undercovered, fooled every time, fooled every time
But even if I lose it all
I got so much left to give, I wont get by
My heart is on the frontline, not afraid
I will love you, like I've never been hurt
Run through fire for you, like I've been burned
I'm gonna risk it all like I never lost
Gonna give it all I've got
I will love you, I will love, like I've never been hurt
Never been hurt "

For those who also have experienced depression, it's okay to feel insecure and alone in the world. You have to know that you are not the only one who is feeling alone. Plus it's better to cry it out than cutting yourself. Crying means not cutting. Crying means you're lessening your heart aches because you try to let them out of you, your feelings are going out for you to be strong again. Remember these words;

"Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while, so that we can see life in a clearer view." ~Alex Tan

"You can't have a better tomorrow if you are thinking about yesterday all the time." ~Charles F. Kettering

"When the world says, 'Give up', Hope whipers 'Try it one more time' " ~Anonymous

"In every leaf you fell from your branches, you always grow more of them in the few days and see to it that they're strong enough to hold." ~Yours truly