RVB x Reader Oneshots

处女毛衣

Mocking. A concept that all freelancers are familiar with, either because they are the mockers or the mocked. Take Washington for example, he's fairly new to the program but he's already made quite a name for himself. That name is "Virgin Sweater".

Now I know what you may be thinking, it's probably some combination of "what the fuck" and "how did he get that nickname?". Well, the answer is simple. Agent South Dakota. Agent South had a reputation too, but a much more violent one.

You see, Washington is notorious for having quite an unusual fashion sense and afterwards it was soon discovered that he was in fact, a virgin. This soon lead to a joke started by South that the reason he can't get laid was because of his fashion sense, they chose virgin sweater because he hasn't gotten a single kill so they decided it was better this way.

You looked at yourself in the mirror wishing you didn't have such a strange inner monologue narrated by a middle aged British man. You sighed and tied your hair up, you had been working up the courage to ask Agent "Virgin Sweater" Washington on a date.

You walked out with a deceivingly confident exterior on as you approached the blond boy you intended to court. Your heart was racing, your breath was quicker and it was getting harder to breathe, were you nervous or having an asthma attack?

"Agent Washington, will you go out with me?!" You snapped, quickly and with a voice of authority. What the bloody fuck were you thinking? You wanted to sound confident, not talk down to him in a commanding voice! Unless he's into that, wait no that's very unlikely and frankly would make you uncomfortable.

He looked up at you quite surprised, so did everyone else in the room due to you shouting your confession. You kept up your assured facade though, after all you didn't want to seem like a bumbling idiot.

Washington searched for a response, in the meanwhile his reaction might be seen as that of a bumbling idiot. "Y-yes!" he finally blurted out, he didn't know you or how to respond to being asked out. He was happy that someone was actually interested in him yet a little intimidated by the way you asked him.

The only thought going through your own mind was 'holy shit!' on repeat, you wanted him to say yes but you weren't actually expecting him to. You needed a response, something that didn't show that you were too excited but didn't make it seem like you didn't care.

Well, that's what you needed. What you actually did was nodded slowly and walked away. A very unusual, even innovative response to the guy you love accepting your declaration of love.

Washington was confused at your response, you might even consider him puzzled. You were definitely something alright.

-----

Alright, it's the moment of truth. You were about to go on a date with Washington, you were really excited. You calmed your breathing and walked down the hall with him, unsurprisingly the military doesn't have a ton of romantic places to have a date so you're going to his room.

As you two walk down the hall, soldiers shout "Virgin Sweater!" with a cheer and a chuckle. Despite the applause that the crowd gave, they were not actually commending him on going on a date with a hot piece of ass such as yourself. Quite the opposite, this too was another form of cruel and embarrassing mockery against him.

You two eventually reach his room and get yourselves settled down on his bed. Now, now don't get too excited, you can stop your devilish grinning for they are only on the bed because he doesn't have any chairs.

You two get the introductory part of this date done, you know the boring stuff such as names, childhoods, hobbies, kill count, weapon preferences and all that kindergarten banter. It was finally time for the interesting part.

"So... why did they choose the nickname 'Virgin Sweater?' are you actually... Y'know..." Wonderful, it's your first date and you're asking if he's a virgin. Well, the implication is obvious, so there's no point in using a ridiculous euphemism.

"Fresh from the barn?"
God damn it, you need to listen to your inner monologue! Unsurprisingly, he looks at you strangely. Oh, and you two were getting along so well. "I... what?"
You looked away in shame and answered quickly.

"I'm so sorry, I didn't mean... yeah. A-anyway, the person who started the joke was South Dakota right?" You hoped he managed to somehow miss you loudly making a fool of yourself.

"Yeah, I'm not sure what her problem is. I don't really know her but she's really aggressive and cruel." He sighed.
"I'll make them stop." You stated with certainty. You really need to learn when to shut your mouth.

"What...?" He was more than taken aback. Well, you've got to go through with it now. How? You had no idea. How could you make the mockery stop?
"We could have sex?"
What in holy hell was wrong with you? This is your first date! There's no way he would ever say yes.

"L-let's do it then!" He said this with a nervous voice, a beautiful woman with a dashing personality wanted to have sex with him. How could he say no? Well, quite easily actually considering it is more than a bit weird.

You were shocked but not complaining. You're about to sleep with the man of your dreams, you've got to say something seductive to initiate it. "Ready to take it off then, Sweater?"

Nailed it.