lost words | huang renjun

008 | a melody for her

HIM. | huang renjun.

my eyes trained towards the paper, frustration enveloped me. i couldn't think of anything. out of frustration, i slammed my fists, connecting it to the piano keys itself - frustration enveloped me. my fists were trembling, gripping my fists harder and i was gritting my teeth. the paper flew out of where the stand was.

sweat begun to form in my forehead, pooling in my hairline. i pushed back my hair through running my fingers into my hair and gripping into fists as i leaned my elbow into the headboard of my keyboard. my eyes scanned my studio and even my living room opened for view as my door was opened, it was messy. through the open door of my studio, the calendar sitting by the windowsill in my living room was still a month late, unfinished cups of coffee in paper cups were placed strategically where i usually find inspiration in writing and composing, printed copies of my resume in my small refrigerator filled with accomplishments in refrigerator hanged by magnetic pins, my moomin stuff toys untouched collecting dusts in my shelves above my keyboard and surrounding almost my studio.

i let out a long sigh, the sight of my apartment was the same because my schedule had been bustling with life recently, no one looked after me welfare after all.

"i should clean when i have time," i tapped my watch in my wrist slowly and looked around, trying to place the misplaced things in their places. it had been messy since god knows when.

my apartment was small, only two rooms - one for my bedspace and the other for my studio where my keyboard was. my studio was bigger than my bedspace because for me my studio held more personal touch. believe it or not, most of my personal belongings were in my studio, it was for inspirational purposes but also it was also my refuge from the ravaging thoughts in my head everyday.

it was scary, my thoughts were always wandering in the place i want it not to be. in the corner of my studio, my eye caught the boxes filled with the most random things. i did not even arranged them properly because when i picked up things from the streets or just anywhere, i just toss it in the box. it was the only stuff i did not even bother to move or arrange properly because staying the same, it let me remember the time when i picked that thing was. i sat down for awhile letting my eyes roam for random things in the box.

i stood up after few minutes of looking through the stuff in the box, my sweat sticking in my skin - i felt uncomfortable staying in the studio but feeling pressured today when i walked in in my studio.it was cooler compared to my studio, my windows were open to let the air from the outside enter my apartment. it eased my head a little bit. walking out of the room, i went to the calendar, flipping it to where the current month was - my eyes roamed at the day when will the week end. i had not been my usual self, it was a lot harder to grip my concepts, my head and my music. it floated, floating away and replaced by thoughts.

i wanted to shake her off me, just for a moment.

i knew haechan's actions spoke for his wanting the best for me but i knew what his actions were for. he wanted me to come into terms of my own feelings for zoe, not going crazy but by rationally facing them without being reckless.

"ugh, the wound is opening up again," i sighed as my cut in the lip was slightly opening, blood oozing in small amounts. haechan punched me when i admitted my lie, that i was moving on. his actions were forgiveable, i understood his actions. my eyes trained in the date, filled with determination, i marked the date with a pentel pen encircling the date. i tended to my re-opening wound and sat in my spot, feeling tired a little.

i sat there for awhile, looking lost and it felt like i was drowning as the seconds trickled by.

i just wanted to end my misery.