Amputate (Gawsten)

5: The Fragile Thought of Home

Something to help me through the day a little spark of excitement. . . It's an old but new beautiful feeling. That nervous excitement that rushes through my body whenever I think of him. I just want to rush down to the cafeteria every bone in my body is aching to see him.

  Travis helps me out of bed and talks about his new book that he's writing, which he talks about for a long time it seems quite good. He helps me to the bathroom (which I don't feel like I need to share the details) and makes his way to his next patient.

I roll down to the cafeteria as fast as these wheels can take me.

But the excitement is crushed into a billion pieces once I realize Awsten is nowhere to be seen.

I wheel in anyways and eye the vending machine. Nothing seems appealing so I do what I know I shouldn't, I don't eat.

The cafeteria buzzes with the patients going in and out to get their meals before therapies. Still no sign of Awsten.
A man screams next to me probably one of the ones that keep me up at night. I couldn't even imagine a brain injury.

Eventually I decide to escape the loud clutter of the cafeteria and roll down the hallway.
I'm not going fast, slow really.
But I have nothing to complain about. Everything there is possibly to complain about I already have.

Today is filled with things I shouldn't do, I think about my release date. I've sworn to myself that I won't but it's nearly impossible not to. It seems so amazing to finally be away from a hospital for once. . . to be home but it also is scary. It's an old familiarity that has now become alien and completely new.

There's those things you would never think about being well normal. That now mean everything to me.
Doorways, can't get through them.
Shelves, can't reach them.
Steps, can't climb them.
Even going to the bathroom by myself isn't an option. There's no sliver of privacy.
And that's what I'm scared of.

At least here I have that. I can roam the halls like I am now while at home I can't go take a walk without the obstacle of not having legs.

Otto has agreed to take care of me while my family has been scared off and even with that I don't want to take away from him either.
But I'm going to have to.

It's truly horrifying.

And yet like everyone else here the strong call of home makes you ache to be set free.

My train of thought distracts me from paying attention to where my wheels are going.
And of course I run right into someone.

"Oh my god I'm so sorry!"
I look up from the persons knees and the first thing I notice is his blazing red and black hair.
It looks amazing on him and seems to fit his personality perfectly.

"No problem I'm still alive! I'm heading this way." The boy responds stepping out of my way.

"Sorry again." I say wheeling past him.
"I've been rolled over more times than I can count don't worry about it." Then he walks away and I begin to head towards therapy.
I've wasted a lot of time stuck in my head.

Now to try to make my legs work.